I'd like to think...

...I’m doing well with this goal i.e. that I’m tracking what I’m doing each day. I’ve successfully tracked for 27 days now, even if it’s just ticking the box that says “Tracked”. It would be nice to get higher scores every day, although that will come with following the FlyLady program closely. But all in all, I’m pleased with my progress.

See more progress on: track my progress by visiting joe's goals every day for six months

I took out...

...new car insurance a few weeks ago and forgot to submit my certificate of no claims because I couldn’t find it. Now the company are threatening me with increased premiums unless I find and post my old certificate. So that’s the challenge.

Specfic: I find certificate. I post it. I receive confirmation. I complete goal.
Measurable: Complete when confirmation received.
Attainable: If I get off my butt.
Reasonable: Absolutely.
Timely: By 1st Jan or else.

See more progress on: sort my car insurance out

Test post

I am doing 43 things.

43 Things

1. Quit college and accept it as gracefully giving in, not failure

By Jan end

2. track my progress by visiting joe's goals every day for six months

Due 4th June 2010, then ongoing habit.

3. Read all the Harry Potter books

Before summer 2010

4. Set up FlyLady routines

By late Jan/early Feb

5. Unsubscribe from newsletters, mailing lists, etc that I don't really read

By Jan end

6. Finish "10 days to self-discipline"

By 17th Jan

7. Sort out my / our finances

By Jan end

8. Take the one hundred pushups challenge

By early spring

9. Take the two hundred squats challenge

By early spring

10. Take the two hundred sit ups challenge

By early spring

11. Knit a Gryffindor scarf

For the release of DH Autumn 2010

12. study nursing

September 2010

13. Travel on the Trans Siberian railway

???

14. stay in the penthouse of a fancy hotel

???

15. Celebrate New Years in Times Square

???

16. change all my lightbulbs to energy efficient ones

By Jan end

17. visit my relatives more often

By end 2010

18. put my mother's le creuset on ebay

by Jan end

19. put all our home movies on DVD

by Jan end

Snow!

Good morning!

Well, it's nearly 7:45am and I've been up for two hours. On my day off. *blinks* It's daft though, isn't it? When I plan to get up and be productive, I sleep through my alarm and ruin the day. When I give myself permission to sleep in, I'm wide awake at 5am. Bonkers. It's particularly bonkers since I *needed* the sleep. Yesterday I bit the bullet and asked the ENT nurse to look at my throat. Turns out I have tonsillitis and need antibiotics and since illnesses get worse the more run down you are, I told myself that sleep was more important than any of the errands I need to run in the next few days. Plus, yesterday was horrendous at work. I've never felt so put upon. I missed my second break and couldn't really talk by 7pm because it was so busy. So why the frog couldn't I sleep? Puh.

In my two hours, I've had a little tidy and made a to-do list, a delivery list, order Christmas flowers for Mum and checked on the status of my Christmas orders. All but two have been dispatched and should be coming before Christmas. Hooray! Later, I'll be heading into Cardiff to finish off the last of my shopping and run a few errands:

• Pay for Christmas dinner (get credit card!)
• Buy soluble paracetamol and Difflam at Boots
• Go to the nice tea shop
• Go to the Disney shop if the tea shop has no nice mugs
• Pick up 2 x nephew card, a fiancee card and 2 x bottle bags in a card shop
• Buy Mini Ninjas and Mirror's Edge for PS3

Then I'll come home and maybe Stu and I can get delivering some cards and presents. Then there's the epic wrapathon, due sometime today or tomorrow. *cries* The worst bit about Christmas.

======================================================

Yesterday morning it snowed. I certainly wasn't expecting snow but when I got up, clutching my aching throat like Lady Macbeth, and peered through my blinds (and condensation...) it was like Narnia outside. We'd had three inches and more was coming down. A text from Lisa told me that she couldn't get her 4x4 out. Heck, if she couldn't get her Jeep out, I wasn't going to test my little Micra in the snow. I phoned work, who had been expecting my call and then I did the worst thing I could have done: curled up and napped on the couch with Stu, who had got up under the idea that he'd drive me to work. I felt groggy all day after my lovely nap. *sigh*

I eventually got to work about 9:30; Lisa came in after 10am. Parking was awful. I ended up parking miles away from the hospital, over by the old psych ward on the most slippery car park ever. Naturally, nobody (except Wendy) says "thanks" or "well done" for trogging yourself into work in what can be, quite frankly, dangerous weather. City folks have no idea. On the drive home last night, I noted the difference in snow levels. Once I got off the dual carriageway and headed, literally, up country, there was easily four times the amount of snow. City people have no clue.

House Musing

I am about a third of the way moved into my new house. So far, the IKEA furniture is in but not assembled. All the appliances are over but not unpacked. My suite, beds and washing machine are being delivered Friday and next Wednesday respectively. This afternoon I will pack up some more of my stuff, and maybe we can get the double wardrobe over tonight.

Despite the excitement of moving in, I can't help but feel very frustrated sometimes. My mother, bless her, is going full pelt with this and I wish that she would back off, just a little. Washing my tea towels in advance, suggesting sheet and duvet combos from off the TV and really just being a little too involved for my liking. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that she's helping but I want the room to make my own decisions. Hopefully, once we're in, Stu and I can do it our way. Up until now, I feel like I'm holding back because I don't want to offend my mother. Whenever you criticise my mother, she becomes very melodramatic. Yesterday I said something trivial and she replied that "Oh, you'll miss me when I'm gone. One day you'll say that my mother would have done it for me, now no-one else will." That is what I'm trying to avoid.

Be Prepared!

Whenever I go out somewhere I always feel underprepared. Tonight is a classic example. Stu and I headed up to Andrew's place for Jack's 12th birthday party. As usual, Stuart's family congregated for a Chinese. It's how they celebrate every occasion and after three years, I'm so bored. Plus it didn't really feel like a 12 year old's birthday. We all sat around on the couch, all twelve of us, eating the takeaway off our laps while watching "Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old?" I could have stayed home and done that. For Jack's part, he remained casually uninterested and I don't blame him.

The point of the post is that I felt underprepared, despite wearing a nice top and a fair amount of make-up. I hadn't put handcream on and it made me feel like a failure. I knew that I'd be meeting up with Jo and Leah and I felt like I needed to be the skinniest and prettiest of us, the three girlfriends, as Leah and Jo have both just had babies. I don't have the social attributes, I know this, so I try and plug the gap by having the physical attributes. I just feel like I need to be perfect. I feel like I need to have perfectly coiffered hair and great clothes and a skinny waist before anyone will take me seriously.

Plus my "failure mood" was enhanced by the fact that I didn't really want to have a Chinese. It stemmed from me being invited to eat something I knew I shouldn't. I knew that I would feel, and still do feel, so guilty about eating it. I would have used the dieting excuse but since I have eaten two custard tarts, a fruit trifle and a full bowl of cheesy mash, it wouldn't really stand up to scrutiny. To be honest, much of the anti-Chinese was due to my own guilt about my lack of dieting.

I also feel like it needs mentioning: when Karen and Mark quizzed me about my career prospects, I couldn't really answer and said "Oh, I don't know what I'm doing." They both gave me a look of disbelief and I could have quite happily ripped a shred off my forearm. Moreover, I am quibbling over whether I should make myself sick before bedtime. Hmm.

Scrap that!

Well, I may as well have not written anything this morning. As of now, the medical dream is back on! UEA got back to me and said "top up your Biology, sit another AS and we'll take you on the A100". Score!

I feel awesome!

Life Update

Good morning!

A lot has happened in the last few weeks and I have not updated very consistently. Firstly, I failed my A Levels. OK, so I didn't fail but I got a D and an E and the dream of medicine is over. I am halfway to "at peace" with the decision. I am still uneasy with having to tell all everyone that my dream career is over. It's embarrassing and everyone is going to think that I am lazy and stupid. I happily embrace the former quality but not the latter. Now I have to find a new direction. It has sprung up at a nearby university that I once described as "for thickos". Oh, how ironic fate is! It's a foundation course that will lead to a BSc in Health Sciences. I have to e-mail the course advisor and ask his advice. If he says yes, hooray! If he says no, it's back to the drawing board with my two A Levels and find something else. If the science career fails to come off, I will chance becoming an English teacher.

Regret and hindsight are powerful but useless right about now. It's totally pointless to wish for a time machine to travel back to 2002, shake my younger self and whisper "become a doctor and work fricking hard" into my own ear. Hmm, that's a very strange image. But daydreams aside, while I know that this situation is mainly my own fault, I lay a percentage of the blame at the foot of my school. They, the teachers, failed to recognise and support my potential and my train wreck life would be so much better had one of them stopped and said "hey, you know you're good enough for science A Levels, don't you?" I know I was anti-establishment and a bit difficult but I couldn't have been any worse than many of my classmates. *sigh*

In better news though, the mortgage is hopefully coming though. The house valuation is happening later today, on what would have been my grandfather's 83rd birthday. I should really be making a move. The guy will phone about half an hour before he's due to arrive at the house. Knowing my luck, as soon as I step in the shower, he'll phone and I'll go whizzing around the house like a ping pong ball trying to get myself sorted. Ho hum.

EDIT: He's been and gone and I stupidly gave him a lower amount than the one we want the house valued for. I am so in the shit.

Over at thedailymind.com he's written a post about technology making us depressed. I agree with the observations he's made, but then I'm a simplify-my-life kinda girl so I would. I wrote about when I gave up Facebook. Thinking about it, I've never been one to use social networking that much. I used and quit Facebook, MySpace, Bebo and a few blogs up until now. The most successful blog I held was for over two years at LiveJournal, where I had one of the first one million accounts. Back then, it was by invite only. *sigh* Those were the days...

The more I think about it, the more I like the isolation from the social networks. Everyone at work is raving about a farm game on Facebook and although I sometimes feel left out, ultimately I feel better because I'm not one of the herd.

Anywho, the bin smells a bit off and the sink is full of dishes, so I need to get my chores done and then head out to run a few errands.

Exercise #1: Fear of Failure

I've been asked to talk about my fear of failure for a new self-discipline book I'm reading. Today I need to recall three past experiences that I perceive as failures, mistakes or just dumb behaviour:

#1 - my main recent failure is in these exams. I know that when the exam results come out on Thursday I won't have done very well. I haven't done very well because I work full-time, and it is a valid reason. However I also didn't try as hard as I should. I didn't have the motivation and the self-discipline to work because there were always more important or fun things to do (Escapism and Delayism). End of story. I also end up fighting against my perfectionism when I do get down to study. I don't understand why but I feel like it needs to be perfect. (Cynicism?)

#2 - One of my early failures/embarrassments/humiliations was the whole experience of boys during my early teenage years. Twice I was asked out by boys (to be the girlfriend in name only, as you are at that age) only for it to be a joke. A year later, I asked out a guy who I really liked, Finlay, only for him to turn me down. I think it fuelled an already existing fear of not being liked or being good enough. I know that, although outwardly confident, I have low self-esteem. I think that this low self-esteem comes, unintentionally, from my mother. I have never made my own decisions or done things to please myself because she has always been the stamp of approval on me and my life.

#3 - A further failure is actually regret that I don't get involved in things, and I feel that I missed out on a lot in school because of this. I didn't get involved in the school play, I didn't play in the school orchestra etc. etc. etc. because I was scared of people laughing at me. I hid it as anti-establishmentism but it was fear of being judged as not good enough. And there were plenty of people better at things than me. So I don't think I bothered because I wouldn't be the best. (Negativism & Defeatism)

Although I didn't expect it, it turns out everything listed in the "Self-Discipline Poisons" section applies to me. Additionally, I realise that I need to work on my self-esteem a lot more. This has been very enlightening...

Import from Spark People 5/8/2009

Well, I have had a far better day than I thought I was going to have. Just goes to show what a bit of navel gazing can do for you.

Today's objectives have all been attained. I didn't put off buying the anniversary gifts and card for my parents and I wrapped them early, not leaving them until before bed. I studied for an hour and I just looked up the dates of the January exams. I'll just jot down how many weeks and days until the beginning of January and then I'll go to bed. All in all, I am exceptionally proud of myself and am currently indulging myself on Spotify with a few of my favourite songs.

It's been a good day.

Import from Spark People 4/8/2009

I’ve felt better since I had my monumental vent the other night but I still feel antsy. It's probably the way I should be feeling, given that I am waiting on so much to happen: college, medical school, the house. How can I fix it though? I know if I were more proactive that I would feel better, so I'm going to try and write down what I can do to ease my anxiety.

College: I still believe I can achieve the end goal of 2 A*s next summer; I believe that I have the potential to pull that out of the bag. What stands between me and glory is the shedload of work I have inflicted on myself by not working hard enough last year. And believe me, I'm scared of that work. I'm scared that I won't be able to learn it all in order to get my grades...read into that the deep but entirely reasonable fear of failure. It chases me but doesn't hit me around the head hard enough to make me work. Plus I work stupidly. My stupid perfectionism demands it of me. I end up knowing the first few pages of a book amazingly well...and the rest gets rushed through in the last few days before the exam. I have to get over that. Perfectionists set themselves up for failure, after all.

Plan: I have to start: tomorrow. Work out how long I have between now and the January exams but also just pick up the damn books and start writing, start getting through those bloody past papers, start learning what I should already know.

Medical school: I have two months before the medical school applications are in. Again, my procrastination stems from fear: the fear of making such an enormous decision, the fear of having to deal with my mother's inevitable disapproval, the fear that the money will run out and that I won't be able to go and that I'll look stupid to everyone...

Plan: I need to get all the prospectuses ordered, get to all the open days I can, sit the UKCAT, get my personal statement written, get my references sorted and speak nicely to Nick. Also I need to get college work sorted because if I fail again, I won't be going in the first place.

The house: urgh...my main worry is all my finances at the moment, so I need to get the account sorted. I also need to organise the current mortgage paperwork and send off the life insurance forms. I don't think there's much else I can do after that, until we start actually moving and then I'll need to research the bills etc.

****************************************

In the spirit of this post, I thought I would share something. I figured something out about myself the other day: I am passive and now that I know that about myself, I hate it. You see, I will wait until the very last moment before I get things done. I always left my homework until the night before school, I never do my filing until the box is overflowing, I never stock up at work until I really, really have to. I also recently realised that I am not consistent. I have never worked at something consistently all my life. My studies are a great example. Combine it with the perfectionism and you have trouble: I have to do everything perfectly in one sitting to consider myself a success. Recipe for failure or what? Maybe it's because my memory is terrible: I can't remember what I did the last time I studied so how can I be sure that I didn’t miss something. In that sense, I don't trust myself. I need to pay more attention to everything, but how do you do that?

Whose fault is the above? It's mine, sure. But I'd like to pose a question: at what point is my brain not my brain? You know what I mean: you make your to-do list in the morning. Good intentions make you think that you'll finish the list BUT when it comes to doing it, your brain talks you out of it. "You'll do it later, come and watch TV," it says. Surely, if I am as well-intentioned as I think I am my brain won't put up a fight with me? Then why does it? Why am I fighting with myself? I wish I had the frickin' answer, that's a cert.

So with all my ramblings etc. out of the way for the night and a good list of personal objectives scribbled down in the new BFF, El Moleskine, I am off to bed. Tomorrow will not yield fun because I will be working (sort of) but tomorrow afternoon I might get an inch closer to who I want to be.

Import from Spark People 2/8/2009

I can't even find the word that describes how I feel at this moment. I suppose if I were to narrow it down it would be between grief, guilt, frustration, fear and unhappiness. I'm at a crossroads in my life, everything is vying for my attention and I don't know if I can cope.

I hate my job (or more the people at my job) and I don't want to go there tomorrow night. The fact that it is a night shift doesn't help and that is ironic given that I had to fight long and hard for equal consideration on nights, and I upset a lot of people in the process. The job situation isn't a new thing but it doesn't help. I suppose I should be grateful that because it's nursing, I only have to be there for three days a week. However, when I am at home, I can't stop thinking about the place. I am paranoid, to a certain extent, but if I were to share the story with you, I think you'd understand.

I just wish I could get my act into gear on my days off. I am tired of being lazy and unmotivated. I should have got up on Friday morning and attempted the first session of the Couch to 5K program, but I didn't. The long and the short of it is that I'd spent the early hours of the morning on the iPhone watching YouTube videos and that I didn't feel like getting up at 5am to go running. However, when I woke up (at 11am) I felt so angry at myself. I wanted to do the C25K, I wanted to make a start and to feel that for once I was doing something worthy. Plus I didn't feel like the day was mine. I don't know, I like to feel unrestricted on my days off. On Fridays, the Mothership finishes work early and we club together to finish the housework. Later, the boyfriend comes over. These set events make me feel like my life is not my own. I don't feel like I can do my own thing around people, especially my boyfriend. God bless him, he is a clingy fella, loving cuddles and always wanting me massage his head etc. I feel like I couldn't go upstairs and perhaps start filing my paperwork or just doing something for me, not around him. He'd be there, and I hate doing personal things in front of him. It doesn't matter than we're engaged and about to move into our own place, I like to have a bit of privacy. We usually spend the night sat on the couch, watching whatever my mother dictates we should watch. It's a sorry state of affairs and it is about to change in some ways but I'm not overly enthusiastic about the impending change.

I am about 6 weeks off moving into my own house and I have all the emotional upheaval of that. Stuart is so keen, I am less than keen and my mother is half on the fence in that she wants to see me settled but as she puts it, "will miss every hair on my head". That makes me so upset, I'm almost filling up now as I write this. I know that it is a natural progression for me and Stuart and that 23 is a good time to leave home. However, this is my home. Bottom line, I don't want to be separated from my mother. I don't know whether we're closer than the average mother and daughter or whether my job makes me more appreciative of my parents. I just know that I could stay here forever, paying my rent, doing the chores...I don't know why I like it here so much. Perhaps it'll just be that with the pressures of modern living I won't see her as much. I think that is my fear. I hope that I'll pick up the phone often, pop over with ingredients for a meal and still spend a good portion of my time there. However, with the boyfriend as well, I don't think it'll happen as much as I'd like. He will be my priority and I don't know if I can deal with that.

The other big thing stressing me out is college/medical school applications. The deadline for med school apps is fast approaching. My results, out next week, will show me up as a flagrant failure and in spite of that, I still need to study hard for 2 As, get into a decent school and raise enough money to support myself through five years of education, all while working full-time and running a house. It's not like medicine isn't what I want to do. Suggest a career other than medicine to me and I can't see it. I can't see myself doing anything else. I want it, I really do but I just don't know if my track history will get me there. And that is my constant worry: that I won't get it, that I'll have to delay for yet another year and that I'll end up stuck in that sorry excuse for a job forever and a day.

On top of all this, I am sick and tired of my own body. I want to be a skinny, athletic type with a great resting heart rate and amazing lung capacity and I really want to be working on it now. I know that in the midst of all of the above, weight loss and exercise should be the last things on my mind but I still think that I should be able to do it. I want to feel better about myself, probably because my lack of personal successes could at least be reflected in outward success if and when I fail.

Right about here I would normally talk about moving forward but I just can't. I can't see myself getting out of bed in the morning and tackling anything: ordering prospectuses, organising my finances or looking at my college books. I am in a rut, hemmed in by my track record and by other people. If I succeed tomorrow, I will fail the next day. I always have, and I probably always will.

Marc

I feel quite sick at the moment. I'm listening to my guilty pleasure playlist, which consists of a handful of minor key, reflective pieces that only serve to make me feel worse, but also help me feel more inclined to write. Although, Daniel Merriweather's "Red" might just incite me to cry.

I'm troubled by the situation with Marc. That's the problem at the top of list. To outline: Marc is a porter at work who is my age (a rare thing in that place) and a genuinely nice guy. We've always got on well and we flirt a lot...I have always been a terrible flirt and never really thought that what I was doing was flirting until a few years ago. People have started to notice that we are friendlier than most colleagues are but then it doesn't do us any favours when he hugs me in the middle of the corridor or when I run my hand over his head. It's all meant in good fun but I haven't thought anything about it. However it's kind of progressed. The other night he told me that he liked me, in a roundabout way.

There is a bit more to it than that: I basically pushed him to tell me that he liked me. I had an idea that he liked me and I pushed and pushed until he told me. I felt bad right away: I made an essentially innocent guy tell me that he had feelings for me, something he probably never would have admitted to me and all because it made me feel a bit better about myself. Well, not even that, I don't feel like "ooh, Marc likes me". I just imagine myself as Keira Knightley in Love Actually with him as the Lancelot-esque admirer but it isn't like that because I live in the real world on my side of the fence. I don't know why I put myself in stories but I always have and I always will.

However, I couldn't leave it there. The following night I apologised for the previous night. He was pretty cool about it, telling me that if he didn't want to tell me he wouldn't have and that he didn't want me to say stuff in return. What did I do? I told him that were Stuart not on the scene "you and I could be on the cards".

What a stupid fucking thing to say.

Firstly, seriously bad phrasing, to imply a relationship would happen. Who says he wants one? Perhaps he just wants to nail me, I don't know. I should have said "I wouldn't say no". But no, I am an idiot.

Secondly, I basically outlined that I have no respect for my own relationship. If Stuart found out, he'd be so hurt and that would kill me, because I couldn't bear to hurt him, no matter what stupid thoughts rotate through my head. Taking that idea forward, were Marc to want a relationship with me, how could he trust me after I said something like that? We'd already had a conversation about Stuart's jealousy and how Marc wouldn't want a girlfriend to behave as I am behaving with Marc. It shouldn't really matter, but I feel like I have lost his respect and affection and I didn't want to do that, especially since he likes me. It must make me look less desirable to him. even though I shouldn't care. But I do care. I get jealous when he talks to other girls, I do care.

And finally, it probably came across as a pitiful remark, something I said to make him feel better because of what I elicited from him the other night. It wasn't meant in that way, it was made in the way it was intended. And how does that help him, even if he took it in the best way? It doesn't. I have just made him feel worse, because he can't have me.

At the heart of this though, I have less respect for myself. I don't quite know how I am going to face him next week. Stupid girl. I am not texting him and the text I replied to (from him) this afternoon came back minus a response so I figure he is being a tad weird with me. *sigh* I have issues, I seriously have issues.

Marc's Messages 24/7 AM

In tomorrow, c u then, sleep well :D

Oh cool see you then. Oh and why and what did you think id think less of you about?

Cos girls don't say stuff like that, esp cos we don't really know each other that well

Maybe not but i think we get on well enough to not worry about stuff like that. At least thats how i feel anyway. I doubt theres much you could say that would make me think less anyway. Im not the type to judge and besides if anything it made me think more for your honesty and possibly feeling comfortable talking to me like that

Cool, keep it to urself tho and don't get any ideas ;)

Only messin btw!

Haha dont worry i wont. I dont do nothing other than the real thing and on that front its not even a remote possibility. You dont need to ask me to be discreet either im not one to carry others business to other convos

I know i know. Will be back to normal soon, that's why I've been more flirty than normal! Secret mind! Lol!

Well no worries. You just love playing with my mind :p

Of course, I told you that the other day! Not that you don't love having ur mind played with...

Who knows :P your gonna make me go insane one of these day :p

Why?

You just will. My mind is a very fragile thing!

Oh bless! Sure there wasn't anything else you wanted to tell me?

Like what? Your terrible for reading through the lines you know

Yes but am I good at it?

I think so yes

Is this as awkward as I think it might be?

Sorry

Marc?

Possibly who knows :p it can be as awkward as you want it to be

For what lol

Sorry just had to top up!

Phew, though u were being a bit funny with me, were cool right? I have no idea whats going on!!!

Haha yea its all cool dear. Why did you think otherwise? Or question it anyway?

Dunno, I just have a history of pushing things a bit too far and then not being able to be friends with a guy after cos I've pused for them to say things...if you think I'm a tease you won't be the first person to say it :(

Not at all sweetheart. I think very highly of you and i know its all in good fun. Honestly dont worry about any of that stuff theres nothing to worry about. If i sounded a bit off or strange its just down to me being a lonely old man. Nothing you have said or done.

As long as were cool cos I look forward to working with you and it would be awful if we couldn't be mates. Hahaha its like therapy doin this! Lol!

Dont be daft theres no reason why we cant be. I look forward to it too and i enjoy our chats and whatnot. There arent many i speak to properly at the best of times let alone have an intellectual conversation.

There was something i was going to say but because of what it may lead to id rather not say it at all so dont feel like youve said something wrong

You cant say that and then not tell me! Tell me now!! Whatever it is, it'll be cool, honestly.

Unless you tell me you like molesting dead bodies or something seriously uncool like that, lol!!!

Haha nah its not worth it. I know it will probably bug you now but its not really necessary

Tell. Me. Now.

I definitely wont tell you then! :p lol

Please?

Lol honestly ignore me im just in a sombre mood. Think ill get to bed. I will see you tomorrow chicken. Take care!

No no no!!! Please tell me now? Please please please?

Dont worry im just a bit muddled in my thoughts really

I am worried now, are you ok?

Yea dont be silly im fine. Ill see you tomorrow!

Well tell me please? Please?

Well if u wont tell me thats ok but I will have it out of you

Night night x

I guess like you said you can push things too far and whatnot i tend to look too far into things and take wrong signals and stuff which isnt good. Specially in my current situation. As i said im just feeling lonely lately so i keep going in these funny moods. Dont worry about it. Ill see you tomorrow and this time im definitely going to sleep! Night

Well that was pretty much it. I guess i felt or feel like i want something you cant offer but im still like hanging on for some reason. I dunno as i said i take things out of context and whatnot. Hope saying that doesnt change anything either. Im happy with how things are...

Marc, were cool. Dont worry about it. Well have a chat tomorrow cos I need to apolgoise but I think its best said face to face. Take it easy :D

Cleaning, shmeening!

Good morning!

It's Friday, which in my house means Cleaning Day. Once I peel my rear end from this chair, I'm going to hoover the downstairs, the sofa, the stairs, upstairs and also put some washing on. It doesn't sound like much when you say it like that, does it? Afterwards, I'm going to try and get my room sorted. Remember Hiroshima and Nagasaki? Well, the Americans also bombed my room but didn't tell anyone. *grin* That's my excuse anyway.

Note to self: insert photo of bombsite room here later.

The boyfriend and I had a phonecall last night from our friends Math and Charlotte. Turns out Math popped the question yesterday. We knew it had been on the cards for a while so it wasn't a major surprise. Math had been asking Stu where he bought my engagement ring from and how he did it etc. Heh, Stuart's proposal gives other guys a lot to live up to, but that's something for another post.

We arranged to meet them at 8pm at Math's house but when we got there, they had only just arrived at Charl's grandmother's house. Cue much frustration on our part. To kill time we went to Asda Coryton to have a look at the clothes but they had a paltry selection.

I'm in a different headspace about clothes and how I look at the moment. I've started taking the time out to put more make-up on and I'm dressing much more smartly so I was very let down with the selection at George. I'm practicing for if and when I am doctor so I want nice trousers and flouty skirts and decent shaped tops. I'm channelling a lot of Michelle Obama's fashion; she always looks classy and I'd really like to be like that. Except this outfit. Bad.

Going back to the point, Asda was crap. I bought a book, two new hair bobbles, a pair of sunglasses and some socks for my dad for Father's Day but that was it. We finally saw the happy couple at 9:20pm when Stu and I were both knackered and didn't really feel like it. Charl's ring is lovely. It's a marquise cut in white gold and so it looks vintage. We'll be going out with them soon to celebrate so maybe I'll get some pictures up. We had a good natter and it was great to hang out with them. Hopefully they will come rock climbing with us soon.

I really, really need to move my rear end now. Duty calls!

Ex-haust-ed from work...*dead*

These past three days I have been thoroughly exhausted from work. Example: last night Stuart phoned about 9pm and I took the phone upstairs because the rents were having a barney. I got into bed because I was cold, which was a very bad idea. I nodded off for about five seconds while on the phone and then when we finished, I didn't want to move out of bed because I was warm and comfy and was planning to get up in thirty seconds...the next thing I knew it was nearly midnight. I had fallen asleep in my work clothes in my bed which was also not one of my greatest ideas because I was probably stained in patient pee.

Yesterday was hard work. Seriously hard work. They sent one of the guys from A&E upstairs to help us out but at the time, I didn't think we needed it. We only had a few medical patients (medical patients being classically confused, incontinent and difficult to wash on your own) and once washes are done, it's usually straightforward. So much for that thought. Although I can only remember washing two patients (I may have washed more) I spent the whole morning running around like an idiot. It didn't help that certain senior members of staff decided that they would sit in the office all day instead of looking after their patients, meaning that yours truly ran around carrying out virtually everyone's obs. I was also worked with "Too Posh to Wash" which also meant lots of scurrying around like a fricking idiot.

TPTW looked after a really sad case yesterday, which was unfortunate for the patient. The patient was a 26 year old woman who is basically dying of cancer. I say basically dying: we know that she is dying but I think that she and the family (which includes her baby son) are clinging onto hope that whatever treatment she is undergoing elsewhere is going to work. It really hits you over the head with how ungrateful you are. You know, I've seen people younger than that die so it shouldn't affect me as much. But this woman is probably never going to see her son grow up and is probably never going to marry her partner...and what is the worst part is that she is so close to my age. She is only 3 years old than me...I could be her (except, of course, that babies are not on the agenda for the next ten years!). She would probably do anything to be able to do the silly mundane things that we curse day in, day out. I had my first pang of...I don't know what to call it...really, really wanting to do anything to make that patient better. I will remember her long into my medical future.

I cannot be bothered to write anything else. *sigh* I need to run the hoover around a bit quick before the mothership arrives. She and Father Bear had a huge ding-dong over money yesterday. Huge bust-up, and I expect it'll be worse tonight. Trouble is, I can see both sides of the story so when they rope me in to vindicate either side, I also come out as the enemy. Puh. I need a cup of tea.

iPhones, voting and LOVEFiLM! Oh my!

shedcat is wondering:

• should I get an iPhone,
• who shall I vote for today and
• shall I upgrade my LOVEFiLM package?
  

Firstly, I want an iPhone. I want it because it's cool. The touch screen and sliding menus and gazillions of applications...*wants* My mother said I should get one because I work hard and I don't get much in the way of reward. But the downside is the cost. Currently I pay just under £30 a month for my phone, when you take in the cost of the insurance as well. For what I use of my phone, it's worth it. I barely text or phone anyone and I use the internet sporadically. However, if I got an iPhone, I am looking at having to pay £44 a month (£35 package, £10-11 insurance). Normally, I would never have paid that for a mobile but it is the iPhone. I think it's use as a mp3 player and mini-laptop as well as being a phone weigh out the cost. I just wonder if it's a bit extravagant and whether I want it for the right reasons?

Secondly, who am I going to vote for today? I am not going to vote Labour, because the state of the cabinet doesn't inspire my confidence. I would never vote Tory, because Maggie Thatcher tried to kill off the valleys by stomping out the pits. I did vote Lib Dem last time, but their involvement in the expenses row doesn't inspire me. BNP - never. UKIP, probably not. Plaid are Welsh nazis. Greens are looking good.

It's basically whether you want out of Europe or not. I think I do, but I haven't done any research and the media only give you skewed information. I don't like the idea of open borders and I agree that we need to have a serious debate about immigration. But I don't know. Ultimately, my little vote isn't going to have much of an impact so there's no point wittering on about it.

Thirdly, I think I will upgrade my LOVEFiLM package to a mixed package for games and movies. For less than a tenner a month I can watch a mixture of four games or DVDs. It would cost me eight times that if I was buying two new games and two new DVDs a month.

Later on I have to go to mediation and I am seriously not looking forward to it. I think ultimately I need to convey that I won't forgive and I won't forget what she did and that we will have a professional relationship only. It doesn't help to know that when I leave she will be blabbing about it to everyone who will listen and I won't be portrayed favourably. I think I will collar the HR man at the end and tell him that I am *so* not happy with the outcome. However, it is three months since it happened and I can't keep harping on about it. How I was treated and how she was treated is laughable. No wonder there is bullying in the NHS; HR don't step in when things like this happen.

Today's to do list:

• Get all the chores done before I leave: general tidy, dishwasher, tumbledryer, hoovering.
  
• Go to work
• Get my rota for the next few weeks
• Get to Halfords to buy clear door edge guards
• Do the Home Organising Audit?

Boring Introspection & Planning

Well, it's the day before the last exam. I am very flighty at the moment because it's my way of dealing with the nerves. I feel like I want to run around screaming or just do something really crazy. I don't feel good though; it hasn't sunk it yet that I am going to fail tomorrow. People keep telling me that I don't know that I'm going to fail, but you know something? That really annoys me. I know that I haven't worked hard enough to get two Cs, let alone two As so don't tell me that it's going to be fine because it isn't. A wonderful paper is not going to solve the fact that I won't be able to handle half the questions.

What's worse is that this time last year I was doing the same thing: preparing to fail and writing myself a cheque to cash another day. "At some point in the future I will be organised and structured and studious"... and putting the pressure on my future self to deliver. I keep taking the rewards now and putting the work off until the last minute. I hate being like this. I hate everyone seeing that I talk the talk but don't do the walk. Think of those bloody nurses that I work with and secretly hate...they'll all be saying how I'm lazy or worse: stupid. Guh.

Another crap thing is that this time last year, and now to a certain extent, I felt good, like I was going to get my life under control. All I needed to do was get through these exams, knowing that failure was imminent...and yet exactly a year on I am in the same place. I have not done any development at all: personally or in terms of my career. That sucks, because I spend a lot of my time reading these productivity blogs and thinking that I'm developing, but I'm not. I put everything off because I cannot be bothered. Bottom line: I am lazy. It's not a great feeling.

With all that navel-gazing out of the way, it's time to fashion a plan out of this pit of failure. I have to spend time getting myself organised:

• physically - start running, start dieting properly, time my hair appointments, get new glasses etc.
• my spaces - my bedroom, my finances etc.
• studies - time vs. topics,
  
• med school selections
• a gap year plan

Now in the words of Lady Macbeth, "to bed, to bed". Not that there's a knocking at the gate but I have to sleep.

Biology Roundup

Yesterday I had my biology exams. It was a glorious day and seemed a shame to spend it cooped up in a noisy exam hall. It was noisy because someone forgot to tell the workmen to stay away from an exam area. *sigh* The first paper went better than the second, but that figures because I studied the first module completely. Overall, while there were few questions that I skipped entirely, I don't think I used enough of the buzzwords and correct terminology to score top marks. I'm not expecting to do well at all. Here's to resits.

I got quite restless during the second paper because the questions were boring. Effects of smoking, reading off graphs, the new biodiversity section...they're really not very interesting compared to biochemistry. I was also desperate for the loo and my squash was more concentrated than I wanted so I was not very comfortable at all. But I left about ten minutes before the end of the paper so I suppose I was on track in terms of time.

Tomorrow is the chemistry exam and I'm not looking forward to that either. I'm at the point now where there is too much to learn before tomorrow so I don't see the point in bothering. I know, I know, it's a ridiculous idea but I am a perfectionist and if I can't achieve perfection, my brain says it's not worth trying. I also know that if I aim for perfection, I am always destined to fail. I think I just need a few days off and to chill out.

The week pans out as follows:

• Wednesday: exams AM, hair appointment PM
  
• Thursday: mediation at work (awaiting time from Boss)
  
• Friday: clean house AM, shopping for glasses PM

Work, Studying and Birdies

Right now, I should be in work. Right about now, my hastily arranged cover will be cleaning a trolley, emptying a sharps bin or maybe enjoying a well-earned cup of tea. In any case, I don't feel a twinge of guilt about it. In case you haven't guessed, I'm not sick.

For the second night on the trot I have phoned in sick, citing migraine (brought on by stress, dontcha know?) but I will go to work tomorrow. I'll go mainly because it will reflect better on me given that I have two weeks of annual leave starting on Wednesday and also because it's my last night shift until I don't know when. *happy smile* No, I'm not happy that it's my last night shift because I quite like nights, but I am glad for the annual leave and the opportunity to work days again. But that's tomorrow.

Tonight I have to stay up quite late and study. It's going to be quite a feat. I'm quite tired at the moment and the second I start looking at the function of the various pieces of the heart, my eyes are going to start getting heavy and I'm going to start dreaming of my bed. I have 14 double-page spreads get through before I feel like I've accomplished anything and I really don't feel like I'll hit 5. *sigh* We'll just see what happens.

The house is in turmoil at the moment. M is not speaking to D and vice versa. BtK is not speaking to M or D. I am speaking to everyone, I think. It all started because BtK didn't empty the dishwasher this afternoon before he went a-frollicking, and also because neither M nor D have a lot of patience with technology and/or each other. *sigh* Things will fix when Btk moves out, or when I move out and I don't have to experience it anymore.

I shall end with something that made me smile today: the Robinson advert with the bird. Pure class.

Intro Post: 100 Q&As for shedcatwonders

1) Are you in a relationship with somebody? Yes, his name is Stuart and we are engaged. We have been together three and a half years next month.

2) Do you hate more than 3 people? I don't hate anybody, I just severely dislike people. And I severely dislike more than 3 people.

3) How many houses have you lived in? Houses: 7 Flats:2

4) Favorite candy bar? I am quite partial to a Crunchie, although it's a mood thing.

5) Favorite shoes? Probably my gold ballerina shoes.

6) Have you ever tripped someone? I don't think so, I wouldn't say I am malicious.

7) Least favorite school subject? Design & Technology.

9) Do you own a Britney Spears CD? Yes. More than one, actually. *shame*

10) Have you ever thrown up in public? Yes. I was about 14, at school and I'd had scrambled eggs for breakfast. We were walking from our registration period to our first lesson (R.E. I think) and had to walk past the corridor that had the kitchens at the end. They were making some sort of egg dish for lunch and it smelt fairly strong...moments later, I threw up in the corridor.

11) Name one thing that is always on your mind. Work. People at work, what they think about me, reliving conversations, planning arguments and debates with people where I come out on top and respected. Quite sad, really.

12) Favorite genre of music? I love many kinds of music and it really depends on the mood I am in. At the moment I am loving Yiruma, Beyonce and Kings of Leon.

13) What is your zodiac sign? Taurus.

14) What time were you born? 11:03pm.

15) Do you like beer? No.

16) Ever made a prank phone call? Sort of. I bleeped one of the doctors in work and put the callback number as the on-site car park office. The same night, the registrar encouraged us to continuously bleep her SHO. His bleep crashed. Switchboard were not amused.

17) What is the most embarrassing CD you own? Probably S Club 7 or Peter Andre. Some late 90s kiddie pop.

18) Are you sarcastic? Oh yes, despite it being the lowest form of wit.

19) What are your favorite colors?I don't have favourites, I love them all equally. Except beige and grey marl. Can't quite get around grey marl.

20) How many watches do you own? Not many. Two or three. I use my fob watch the most.

21) Summer or winter? Winter, because the fashions don't require excess amounts of flesh and you get to spend the evenings in, defending against the weather. And I love de-icing my car.

23) Favorite color to wear? I love wearing bright colours but I know that because of my colouring, I love good in greens and browns.

24) Pepsi or Sprite? Sprite.

25) What color is your cell phone? Pink.

26) Where is your second home? I haven't found it yet.

27) Have you ever slapped someone? Yes, but only playfully.

28) Have you ever had a cavity? Yes, I think I have one small one.

29) How many lamps are in your bedroom? Two: the lamp by the desk and the dawn simulator on the dressing table.

30) How many video games do you own? About 15. Three for the PS3 and the rest for the DS.

31) What was your first pet? Well, we had a black lab from before I was born until I was 6 but I don't remember her so my first pet was another dog that we had from when I was about 7 until I was about 22. Her name was Bonnie and she was gorgeous: a cross between a pedigree Chow Chow and a German Shepherd.

32) Ever had braces? Yes, and it is worth it. Even my orthodontist commented on how great my smile is.

33) Do looks matter? Unfortunately, they do. It's shallow but true.

34) Do you use chap stick? Now and again. Mostly in work.

35) Name 3 teachers from High School. Mr Evans: geography, form tutor and general slime bag after he put his hand down my friend's top. Mrs Robinson: law teacher and greatest teacher I've ever known. Mr Lander: maths teacher and serious, seriously bad crush. I saw him about three years ago in the job I had then and had to get someone else to serve him because I was so embarrassed.

36) American Eagle or Abercombie? What?

37) Are you too forgiving? Sometimes, usually because I hate fighting.

38) How many children do you want? Four boys: Caleb, Oliver, Edward and I can't remember what the other one is called. I will probably end up with three girls and they'll all hate me.

39) Do you own something from Hot Topic? Again, what?

40) Favorite breakfast meal? That's a mood thing. At the moment I like tea and biscuits. It's not very healthy but I'm back on Weight Watchers in two weeks so get over it!

41) Do you own a gun? No, because they aren't legal in Britain and for that I am *so* grateful.

42) Ever thought you were in love? The honest answer is no.

43) When was the last time you cried? I was a bit upset this afternoon because I had an argument with my parents and they said some awful things about me, like I'll never be a doctor.

44) What did you do 3 nights ago? I skived off college 3 nights ago. I hope I studied to make up for it.

45) Olive Garden? What?

46) Have you ever called your teacher mommy? Yes, when I was small. Not recently.

47) Have you ever been in a castle? I live in Wales...

48) Nicknames? Aims, Junior, Sammy, Sam, Phen.

49) Do you know anyone named Bertha? Well, there was a Bertha in Jane Eyre...

50) Ever been to Kentucky? No.

51) Do you own something from Banana Republic? No.

52) Are you thinking about somebody right now? No, because I am doing this quiz...

53) Have you ever called someone Boo? No.

55) Do you own a diamond ring? Yes, given to me at Xmas by my significant other.

56) Are you happy with your life right now? I am not where I want to be but I am happy with what I've got.

57) Do you dye your hair? No, but I am thinking of going blonde in order to look like Taylor Swift.

58) Does anyone like you? I hope so.

59) What year were you born? 1986.

60) What were you doing in May of 1994? I was 8 and we had just moved to Krefeld in Germany. After that I can't remember.

61) Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD? Yes, three of them.

62) McDonalds or Wendys? McDonalds, and that's only if I'm desperate.

63) Do you like yourself? No, I want to change lots about myself. I want to be smarter, more pretty, fitter, skinnier, more assertive, more patient etc. etc. etc.

64) Are you closer to your mother or father? Mother, but pretty close to both.

65) Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex? Hands and eyes. Use your head. *wink*

66) Are you afraid of the dark? Not explicitly.

67) Have you ever eaten paste? As in salmon paste? Yes. As in wallpaper paste? No.

68) Do you own a webcam? Yes, but I don't use it. I want a laptop with an integrated one. Not that I'd use it then but it would reduce some space.

69) Have you ever stripped? Yes, twice a day.

70) Ever broke a bone? No and I don't fancy it much either.

72) Do you chat on AIM often? No, I had a bad experience on Yahoo! Chat the other night and won't be repeating it any time soon.

73) Pringles or Lays? Pringles, hands down. Once you pop, you can't stop!

74) Have you ever broken someone's heart? I don't think so.

75) Rugrats or Doug? Rugrats. Ah, retro cartoons....

76) Full House or The Brady Bunch? Neither.

77) Did you like your high school guidance counselor? Can't remember and careers advisors are always rubbish. It's the law. The college one tried to persuade me to go into occupational therapy. I can't think of anything more grim.

78) Has anyone ever called you fat? Yes and in three weeks I am going back to Weight Watches and onto the Couch to 5k program.

79) Do you have a birth mark? No.

80) Do you own a car?Yes, it's my second car and it's lovely. It is called the Frog.

81) Can you cook? I can make a decent pasta bake and a good chocolate cake but I'm working on stellar mashed potato. If I was on death row, I'd have homemade mash with cheese as my last meal.

82) 3 things that annoy you: My brother's refusal to accept he is wrong, he is lazy etc. My own lack of self-discipline. Celebrities like Kerry Katona and Katie Price, who have no talent except somehow managing to sell newspapers.

83) Do you text message often? Not as much as my peers and I always feel out of touch for not being a texting fiend.

84) Money or love? I should say love but I'm not certain.

85) Do you have any scars? I have one across my stomach where I had a hernia repaired as a toddler. I also have a scar on my knee from taking the rubbish out and someone has put a broken glass in there. I also have a scar on my left forearm which everyone thinks is a burn from work/from the oven at home but is actually self-harm

86) What do you want more than anything right now? To be in medical school, accepted by my peers and away from real life.

87) Do you enjoy scary movies? No, but I'll watch them.

88) Relationships or one night stands? I can see the fun in both.

89) Big Red or Juicy Fruit? Pass.

90) Do you enjoy greasy food? You cannot beat a Chinese, like I had last night. You just can't. Or good British chips and gravy.

91) Have you seen all the Rocky movies? No but I can sing the theme tune.

92) Do you own a box of crayons? No. My creativity stretches to the piano and that's it.

94) Who was the last person that said they loved you? My mother, post-fight.

95) Who was the last person that made you mad? My mother, mid-fight.

96) Who was the last person that made you cry? My mother, mid-fight.

97) Who was the last person that made you laugh? One of the Blackadder guys: "Treat your plane as you treat your woman. Get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back." Priceless.

98) Who was the last person that you fell for? There are plenty of cute doctors and nurses at work and I quite like one of the porters but I haven't been heart-sinkingly attached to someone since my significant other.

99) Who was the last person that instant messaged you? Can't remember.

100) Who was the last person that called you? My fiancee.

Stress

I feel very stressed at the moment. Very, very stressed, actually...much more than I think I realised before I sat down to write this.

I am actively procrastinating from studying because there is so much to learn and so very little time in which to learn it. I have...well, I was trying to calculate the amount of work to get through but I can't. It's just too much, and I've entered that "I don't really care!" phase which is deadly, given that this time is the very last shot and if August results are crap, I'm off to nursing. And I hate nursing. I could spend tonight planning how to spend my remaining weeks but it will be a pointless exercise. I will endeavour to study until around about 1am, but given that it's already past 11pm, I don't think it'll be very productive.

Giving myself the weekend off turned out to be the worst thing I did. I mean, I know I couldn't realistically work on my birthday but still, I had Monday off which extended into Tuesday and before I knew it, it was Wednesday and I was still in my PJs at 6pm and therefore not attending college...Tomorrow will be a fresh start. At least, I'm saying it will be, but I don't know if I believe myself. Plus, tomorrow I have to phone work (another source of stress) and then I have to go and see Mrs Lewis (another source of stress) and then I have college (another source of stress)...

More stress...this situation at work. I feel like I'll end up rolling over and playing dead. I phoned HR today and it turns out that nothing has been done and she has come back to work without so much as a bop on the nose. I had to have informal counselling for what I said; she makes to attack me and is let back to work with sympathy all round because of her personal circumstances. Grr. J is still off sick, the rep has disappeared off the face of the planet and I know that WH just wants to sweep this under the carpet. I am worried though...more worried than I want to be but I can't help it. I don't feel like anybody is on my side.

Then there's this whole business about the house and how I feel about moving out and my poor parents...I feel so guilty about it and also very...like a child who literally doesn't want to leave their mother. The Mothership has been whinging about the time the Boyf spends looking for homewares, calling it it effeminate, despite the fact that I am just not interested.

I started this entry and now Yahoo! Messenger wants me to close it...

I should be in work right now. *smirk* I came home because of the snow, but now I'm feeling quite guilty and a bit of a liar. in my defence, the snow at work is an inch thick. It's double that outside my house. Plus, it's still coming down although not as heavily as it was earlier. And predictably, everyone had left their crystal balls at home so nobody could tell me when I was leaving work to tell me that it would be OK coming home. And that's why I feel guilty and a bit of a liar. I probably came home too early as well but I didn't fancy being stuck in work tomorrow morning after my shift ends. Knowing my luck, someone from this end of the woods will struggle to work in the morning and make me look like a wimp and/or skiver. *sigh*

However, I am feeling slightly more positive than I was before I went to work but hey, that's because I'm home. The whole of tomorrow is stretching out before me like a sunny ray of positivity but I know that I'll sleep late and I won't do half the things I want to do and then I'll be back in work. *sigh* Of course, with a bit of determination I could get up early and do all I need to and feel really productive and therefore better about going back to work. But I won't.

Ah, work. Stuffed to the brim with medical patients (we are a surgical ward and yes, it does matter. I don't nurse nutters.) and having to do the late night linen run and the endless stocking. Having said that, I am coming off nights after next week, and I'm going onto weekends which is better for me in that it is a) more money per hour worked and b) I can stick to daylight hours but it means that I will see less of the Boyfriend. It also means that horrible 5:15 wake-up call on Sunday mornings and having to crawl out of the warmest bed imaginable. It's soul destroying, truly.

After reviewing the last entry, I figured that I should tell you that the First Aid course was semi-fun. I am stuck in the naughty group, which comprises of the man's men C, A, and M with lovable but annoyingly camp as Christmas J as well as a few others. Every hour or so they require a nicotine break...*grr* and seemingly nobody can function without coffee/tea for very long. The session dragged from 8am until 2pm and it was quite informative, although it did get a bit annoying when the boys decided to fight over what order to treat people at an RTA given their injuries. *sigh* I did get a tad upset when I was paired with the new girl, a trainee midwife. Apparantly no-one wanted to pair with me but I suppose that's what I get when I don't mix. Afterwards they all went for a drink and I was invited but I didn't go (the pressing thought of housework) plus I don't get the feeling I connect with them. I also know the reason why what I dressed in was important: I'm not very confident that the person I am will impress anyone. A sad but truthful statement, I think.

As for sleep, I didn't get to sleep until at least 3:15am before the course. I got up at 5am. I need to start keeping a sleep diary listing times I get up, the times I get to sleep, whether I sleep well, whether I felt tired going to bed, whether I felt tired during the day etc.

Depressed and Guilty Beyond All Reason

Right at this moment, I feel very depressed. The immediate problem is that I have work in the morning. Now, if you just pushed the random button and stumbled across my blog you need to know that I'm a nurse and work three 12.5 hour shifts a week. This week I worked Sunday, Monday and Tuesday 7pm til 7:30am. I finished up on Wednesday morning and am not back in work til Monday night, so I don't particularly appreciate going back into work tomorrow for a totally useless First Aid study course. I work in A&E, you know, so the likelihood of me ever needing to practice first aid are remote.

The logistics of going back into work are this: I need to wash my hair. Guh. I also need to get a smart, stylish set of clothes together so that my colleagues so me as smart and stylish. Because that's important to me. I also need to buy two birthday cards for two of my former work colleagues and drop them off, along with two biology textbooks for another former colleague. I also need to try and get a reasonable degree of sleep together but given that I'm still nocturnal, I'm not likely to head off to sleep until the small hours and then have to get up at 5:15 to get into work for 7am. Gah gah gah. Plus I need to pick up a parcel from the post office and something for my mother's birthday, despite being told not to what with the financial situation at the moment. Then I'm look at hours and hours of housework tomorrow afternoon. Then it'll be 9pm and my boyfriend will be here wanting to stay over and my room is totally messy and I'll have done no studying.

I feel even more guilt about not studying these days because I may have to work bank so I need to up the ante on my studying and I'm not so my guilt is increasing exponentially. So that's my headspace. Plus my parents are looking at potentially losing theirs jobs and given that I'm the only one with a stable job,I'm the one that's going to have to work my hours and jeapardise my career. And that's totally selfish but it's how I feel.

Grr! Argh! Etc.

Haven't had the greatest morning ever. Firstly my aunt and uncle dropped off a few engagement cards and a cheque for £80, then sat and talked with me (and then The Mothership) about work, the credit crunch etc. They left about half an hour ago and since then, the Mothership has got quite angry and upset, as usual. You see, my aunt is an annoying person. Firstly, she has never worked, while my uncle works six days a week to support them. Since she doesn't work, her time is spent at the gym, with friends, on the internet etc. Between the Aunt, her friends and the internet, they know everything, and you can't disagree with them. Naturally, the Mothership gets irate when the Aunt preaches about people who have £55,000 of debt then brags about a £63 mortgage payment each month. The Mothership has £40,000 and a £663 mortgage payment a month. Ouch. The Aunt has also managed to scrimp together £1,700 for a holiday to Florida this year. *sigh* As the Mothership put it, we can't get £170 together. It's the reason I'm doing four months of night shifts.

After they departed, the Mothership started complaining about how the Boyf and I can't afford a house. The Aunt's daughter, a little older than I am, has bought a house and is nicely settled in. When I dropped it into the conversation that I want to go to university i.e. there's no point getting a house, the Mothership (and this is boiled down to its essence) told me that my aspirations to be a doctor are here *raising hand above head* and that my effort is here *indicating the floor* and that I shoud realign them and become a nurse.

I have no concluding remarks except that I know she's right (to a point). I could be a doctor so I really want to show her but *casts eyes around messy room* I feel like I can't start studying until the room is sorted. *heavy sigh*

So you've had a bad week, can't even sleep...

Right now I'm waiting for a call from the Boyf to let me know that he's home, fed and watered and awaiting my arrival to fix his internet. I think he's switched broadband providers and they've supplied him with a wireless modem and since his computer is not wireless enabled, he needs our laptop (which is wireless enabled) to check that his new modem works. So I'll be off there in a little while. I can't say I'm thrilled about the prospect because I would rather stay home and play on the Wii or read but hey, now that we're engaged I should show more of a commitment to going over to his house.

This whole week has been really bad for me. Working nights really kicks me in the nuts in terms of doing things I need to do. For example, last night (the worst night of the whole week) I didn't get to sleep until about 3:30am. I'd been in bed since 1am, played on the DS, tried to sleep, played on the DS some more....then the last time I checked the time I was 3:05am and I was not in the slightest bit tired. Naturally, it falls that I don't get up until later on in the day. I'd set my alarm for 8:15am but it was 12:15 before I pulled my scrawny rear end up and out of bed. I skipped breakfast and went straight to work, emptying the dishwasher and then separating the washing. The Mothership later whined about the fact that I'd separated the washing and not hoovered the bathroom first. I felt quite frustrated because hoovering the downstairs (to her standards) is hard work, involving moving the furniture and especially now that we have a vacuum cleaner who thinks it's part leaf blower. I've been up here since we finished, tidying my room and internally whinging about how much I have to do and how I have no idea of how to get everything done.

On one of my late nights this week I searched for piano and singing teachers in the area. There is a female piano teacher in the next valley and I may phone her sooner or later and ask about lessons. I also found two very pretty fairly local opera singers who teach... I'll probably opt for the piano lessons because it's less noisy and much more useful, plus I think I'd be a better pianist than singer. Having said that, I haven't got the time management skills for piano lessons so it'll be a way off before I even think about calling her.

I'm getting slightly stressed about university. I want to go to medical school in 2010 but I need to start looking at universities now and going to open days etc. The trouble is that my mother is convinced that I should nurse. She tells everyone that I'm going to nurse and won't discuss the subject with me. Now it's getting towards crunch time, where I need to sift through the 60 or so medical courses listed on the UCAS website and start looking at their grades, locations, open days etc. and involve my parents and my boyfriend in my decision. I really don't want to start the process because I know what will happen: we will end up fighting, I will win my mother's disapproval and I may end up not going at all or worse, end up on a nursing course.

I can hear her now: why do you want to move away from home i.e. her? Why do you want to live in grotty student accommodation? Do you want to break up with Stuart? Why can't you just nurse in Cardiff? Guh. The simple answer is that I want to live away from home and away from Stuart for one point in my life. I want to be on my own, on a great adventure all by myself before I have to rein myself in and get a mortgage and some kids. That is what I want. And I don't want to nurse because I already do 75% of nursing at the moment and it's rubbish.

My mother, however, won't accept that I already wipe bums, take samples and roll people and that I don't want to do it for the rest of my life. She, howver, is convinced that I should because our cousins nurse and my grandmother wanted to nurse etc. She feels like it's "in the family". I just don't want to do what I already do for the rest of my life, not even in theatres, ITU or palliative care. But we're going to clash heads over the issue and it makes me worried about starting down the path.

*sigh* Time's getting on...I guess I'd better pack up and head off to the Boyf's now.