Cleaning, shmeening!

Good morning!

It's Friday, which in my house means Cleaning Day. Once I peel my rear end from this chair, I'm going to hoover the downstairs, the sofa, the stairs, upstairs and also put some washing on. It doesn't sound like much when you say it like that, does it? Afterwards, I'm going to try and get my room sorted. Remember Hiroshima and Nagasaki? Well, the Americans also bombed my room but didn't tell anyone. *grin* That's my excuse anyway.

Note to self: insert photo of bombsite room here later.

The boyfriend and I had a phonecall last night from our friends Math and Charlotte. Turns out Math popped the question yesterday. We knew it had been on the cards for a while so it wasn't a major surprise. Math had been asking Stu where he bought my engagement ring from and how he did it etc. Heh, Stuart's proposal gives other guys a lot to live up to, but that's something for another post.

We arranged to meet them at 8pm at Math's house but when we got there, they had only just arrived at Charl's grandmother's house. Cue much frustration on our part. To kill time we went to Asda Coryton to have a look at the clothes but they had a paltry selection.

I'm in a different headspace about clothes and how I look at the moment. I've started taking the time out to put more make-up on and I'm dressing much more smartly so I was very let down with the selection at George. I'm practicing for if and when I am doctor so I want nice trousers and flouty skirts and decent shaped tops. I'm channelling a lot of Michelle Obama's fashion; she always looks classy and I'd really like to be like that. Except this outfit. Bad.

Going back to the point, Asda was crap. I bought a book, two new hair bobbles, a pair of sunglasses and some socks for my dad for Father's Day but that was it. We finally saw the happy couple at 9:20pm when Stu and I were both knackered and didn't really feel like it. Charl's ring is lovely. It's a marquise cut in white gold and so it looks vintage. We'll be going out with them soon to celebrate so maybe I'll get some pictures up. We had a good natter and it was great to hang out with them. Hopefully they will come rock climbing with us soon.

I really, really need to move my rear end now. Duty calls!

Ex-haust-ed from work...*dead*

These past three days I have been thoroughly exhausted from work. Example: last night Stuart phoned about 9pm and I took the phone upstairs because the rents were having a barney. I got into bed because I was cold, which was a very bad idea. I nodded off for about five seconds while on the phone and then when we finished, I didn't want to move out of bed because I was warm and comfy and was planning to get up in thirty seconds...the next thing I knew it was nearly midnight. I had fallen asleep in my work clothes in my bed which was also not one of my greatest ideas because I was probably stained in patient pee.

Yesterday was hard work. Seriously hard work. They sent one of the guys from A&E upstairs to help us out but at the time, I didn't think we needed it. We only had a few medical patients (medical patients being classically confused, incontinent and difficult to wash on your own) and once washes are done, it's usually straightforward. So much for that thought. Although I can only remember washing two patients (I may have washed more) I spent the whole morning running around like an idiot. It didn't help that certain senior members of staff decided that they would sit in the office all day instead of looking after their patients, meaning that yours truly ran around carrying out virtually everyone's obs. I was also worked with "Too Posh to Wash" which also meant lots of scurrying around like a fricking idiot.

TPTW looked after a really sad case yesterday, which was unfortunate for the patient. The patient was a 26 year old woman who is basically dying of cancer. I say basically dying: we know that she is dying but I think that she and the family (which includes her baby son) are clinging onto hope that whatever treatment she is undergoing elsewhere is going to work. It really hits you over the head with how ungrateful you are. You know, I've seen people younger than that die so it shouldn't affect me as much. But this woman is probably never going to see her son grow up and is probably never going to marry her partner...and what is the worst part is that she is so close to my age. She is only 3 years old than me...I could be her (except, of course, that babies are not on the agenda for the next ten years!). She would probably do anything to be able to do the silly mundane things that we curse day in, day out. I had my first pang of...I don't know what to call it...really, really wanting to do anything to make that patient better. I will remember her long into my medical future.

I cannot be bothered to write anything else. *sigh* I need to run the hoover around a bit quick before the mothership arrives. She and Father Bear had a huge ding-dong over money yesterday. Huge bust-up, and I expect it'll be worse tonight. Trouble is, I can see both sides of the story so when they rope me in to vindicate either side, I also come out as the enemy. Puh. I need a cup of tea.

iPhones, voting and LOVEFiLM! Oh my!

shedcat is wondering:

• should I get an iPhone,
• who shall I vote for today and
• shall I upgrade my LOVEFiLM package?
  

Firstly, I want an iPhone. I want it because it's cool. The touch screen and sliding menus and gazillions of applications...*wants* My mother said I should get one because I work hard and I don't get much in the way of reward. But the downside is the cost. Currently I pay just under £30 a month for my phone, when you take in the cost of the insurance as well. For what I use of my phone, it's worth it. I barely text or phone anyone and I use the internet sporadically. However, if I got an iPhone, I am looking at having to pay £44 a month (£35 package, £10-11 insurance). Normally, I would never have paid that for a mobile but it is the iPhone. I think it's use as a mp3 player and mini-laptop as well as being a phone weigh out the cost. I just wonder if it's a bit extravagant and whether I want it for the right reasons?

Secondly, who am I going to vote for today? I am not going to vote Labour, because the state of the cabinet doesn't inspire my confidence. I would never vote Tory, because Maggie Thatcher tried to kill off the valleys by stomping out the pits. I did vote Lib Dem last time, but their involvement in the expenses row doesn't inspire me. BNP - never. UKIP, probably not. Plaid are Welsh nazis. Greens are looking good.

It's basically whether you want out of Europe or not. I think I do, but I haven't done any research and the media only give you skewed information. I don't like the idea of open borders and I agree that we need to have a serious debate about immigration. But I don't know. Ultimately, my little vote isn't going to have much of an impact so there's no point wittering on about it.

Thirdly, I think I will upgrade my LOVEFiLM package to a mixed package for games and movies. For less than a tenner a month I can watch a mixture of four games or DVDs. It would cost me eight times that if I was buying two new games and two new DVDs a month.

Later on I have to go to mediation and I am seriously not looking forward to it. I think ultimately I need to convey that I won't forgive and I won't forget what she did and that we will have a professional relationship only. It doesn't help to know that when I leave she will be blabbing about it to everyone who will listen and I won't be portrayed favourably. I think I will collar the HR man at the end and tell him that I am *so* not happy with the outcome. However, it is three months since it happened and I can't keep harping on about it. How I was treated and how she was treated is laughable. No wonder there is bullying in the NHS; HR don't step in when things like this happen.

Today's to do list:

• Get all the chores done before I leave: general tidy, dishwasher, tumbledryer, hoovering.
  
• Go to work
• Get my rota for the next few weeks
• Get to Halfords to buy clear door edge guards
• Do the Home Organising Audit?

Boring Introspection & Planning

Well, it's the day before the last exam. I am very flighty at the moment because it's my way of dealing with the nerves. I feel like I want to run around screaming or just do something really crazy. I don't feel good though; it hasn't sunk it yet that I am going to fail tomorrow. People keep telling me that I don't know that I'm going to fail, but you know something? That really annoys me. I know that I haven't worked hard enough to get two Cs, let alone two As so don't tell me that it's going to be fine because it isn't. A wonderful paper is not going to solve the fact that I won't be able to handle half the questions.

What's worse is that this time last year I was doing the same thing: preparing to fail and writing myself a cheque to cash another day. "At some point in the future I will be organised and structured and studious"... and putting the pressure on my future self to deliver. I keep taking the rewards now and putting the work off until the last minute. I hate being like this. I hate everyone seeing that I talk the talk but don't do the walk. Think of those bloody nurses that I work with and secretly hate...they'll all be saying how I'm lazy or worse: stupid. Guh.

Another crap thing is that this time last year, and now to a certain extent, I felt good, like I was going to get my life under control. All I needed to do was get through these exams, knowing that failure was imminent...and yet exactly a year on I am in the same place. I have not done any development at all: personally or in terms of my career. That sucks, because I spend a lot of my time reading these productivity blogs and thinking that I'm developing, but I'm not. I put everything off because I cannot be bothered. Bottom line: I am lazy. It's not a great feeling.

With all that navel-gazing out of the way, it's time to fashion a plan out of this pit of failure. I have to spend time getting myself organised:

• physically - start running, start dieting properly, time my hair appointments, get new glasses etc.
• my spaces - my bedroom, my finances etc.
• studies - time vs. topics,
  
• med school selections
• a gap year plan

Now in the words of Lady Macbeth, "to bed, to bed". Not that there's a knocking at the gate but I have to sleep.

Biology Roundup

Yesterday I had my biology exams. It was a glorious day and seemed a shame to spend it cooped up in a noisy exam hall. It was noisy because someone forgot to tell the workmen to stay away from an exam area. *sigh* The first paper went better than the second, but that figures because I studied the first module completely. Overall, while there were few questions that I skipped entirely, I don't think I used enough of the buzzwords and correct terminology to score top marks. I'm not expecting to do well at all. Here's to resits.

I got quite restless during the second paper because the questions were boring. Effects of smoking, reading off graphs, the new biodiversity section...they're really not very interesting compared to biochemistry. I was also desperate for the loo and my squash was more concentrated than I wanted so I was not very comfortable at all. But I left about ten minutes before the end of the paper so I suppose I was on track in terms of time.

Tomorrow is the chemistry exam and I'm not looking forward to that either. I'm at the point now where there is too much to learn before tomorrow so I don't see the point in bothering. I know, I know, it's a ridiculous idea but I am a perfectionist and if I can't achieve perfection, my brain says it's not worth trying. I also know that if I aim for perfection, I am always destined to fail. I think I just need a few days off and to chill out.

The week pans out as follows:

• Wednesday: exams AM, hair appointment PM
  
• Thursday: mediation at work (awaiting time from Boss)
  
• Friday: clean house AM, shopping for glasses PM