Marc

I feel quite sick at the moment. I'm listening to my guilty pleasure playlist, which consists of a handful of minor key, reflective pieces that only serve to make me feel worse, but also help me feel more inclined to write. Although, Daniel Merriweather's "Red" might just incite me to cry.

I'm troubled by the situation with Marc. That's the problem at the top of list. To outline: Marc is a porter at work who is my age (a rare thing in that place) and a genuinely nice guy. We've always got on well and we flirt a lot...I have always been a terrible flirt and never really thought that what I was doing was flirting until a few years ago. People have started to notice that we are friendlier than most colleagues are but then it doesn't do us any favours when he hugs me in the middle of the corridor or when I run my hand over his head. It's all meant in good fun but I haven't thought anything about it. However it's kind of progressed. The other night he told me that he liked me, in a roundabout way.

There is a bit more to it than that: I basically pushed him to tell me that he liked me. I had an idea that he liked me and I pushed and pushed until he told me. I felt bad right away: I made an essentially innocent guy tell me that he had feelings for me, something he probably never would have admitted to me and all because it made me feel a bit better about myself. Well, not even that, I don't feel like "ooh, Marc likes me". I just imagine myself as Keira Knightley in Love Actually with him as the Lancelot-esque admirer but it isn't like that because I live in the real world on my side of the fence. I don't know why I put myself in stories but I always have and I always will.

However, I couldn't leave it there. The following night I apologised for the previous night. He was pretty cool about it, telling me that if he didn't want to tell me he wouldn't have and that he didn't want me to say stuff in return. What did I do? I told him that were Stuart not on the scene "you and I could be on the cards".

What a stupid fucking thing to say.

Firstly, seriously bad phrasing, to imply a relationship would happen. Who says he wants one? Perhaps he just wants to nail me, I don't know. I should have said "I wouldn't say no". But no, I am an idiot.

Secondly, I basically outlined that I have no respect for my own relationship. If Stuart found out, he'd be so hurt and that would kill me, because I couldn't bear to hurt him, no matter what stupid thoughts rotate through my head. Taking that idea forward, were Marc to want a relationship with me, how could he trust me after I said something like that? We'd already had a conversation about Stuart's jealousy and how Marc wouldn't want a girlfriend to behave as I am behaving with Marc. It shouldn't really matter, but I feel like I have lost his respect and affection and I didn't want to do that, especially since he likes me. It must make me look less desirable to him. even though I shouldn't care. But I do care. I get jealous when he talks to other girls, I do care.

And finally, it probably came across as a pitiful remark, something I said to make him feel better because of what I elicited from him the other night. It wasn't meant in that way, it was made in the way it was intended. And how does that help him, even if he took it in the best way? It doesn't. I have just made him feel worse, because he can't have me.

At the heart of this though, I have less respect for myself. I don't quite know how I am going to face him next week. Stupid girl. I am not texting him and the text I replied to (from him) this afternoon came back minus a response so I figure he is being a tad weird with me. *sigh* I have issues, I seriously have issues.