Sad and worried...

I've just spent the past few hours downloading Kings of Leon's four albums in preparation for next Wednesday. I bought my tickets for them today, much to the Mothership's disapproval at both the price (£105 - well, it is Ebay) and the fact that I'm going on my own. I can't wholly disagree with both. What I've paid is five times the face value and I am a little nervous about going on my own...make that a lot nervous. I'm hoping that they might have those seats at the back and I might get to sneak up there. Or I may just sell the ticket instead to my mother's approval, my (probable) loss of money and my boyfriend's disappointment. Ho hum indeed.

Today I was lazy. Really lazy. Got up at 11am, mooched around on the internet since then with very little to eat (a yoghurt, a few biscuits, two burgers and two Welsh cakes are all I've eaten today.) It will be interesting to see what the Daily Plate makes of my consumption.

I should have done so much more...I haven't e.g. picked the bed up off my floor or washed my new work uniform. I haven't paid my parking ticket either which I am getting worried about now. I haven't studied, tidied up etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. I am going to bed now, because I'm depressed and worried.

Introspective Shite

Bloody internet just ate my entry.

Anyway. I was saying that I am angry and that I don't have one specific reason why I'm angry. I have a few things that are generally irritating me right now but not one bone fide "that's what I'm really cheesed off about!" reason.

Firstly, I have work in the morning. In itself, work isn't that bad. It's a long day and a lot of it depends on my colleages but on the whole it should *hopefully* be a good day. However, work in the morning means a sleepless night, a 5am wake-up call, a probable length rendezvous with the de-icer at 6am, a search for car parking spaces because I have no change (unless I can use my card on site...) and...y'know it's work. I'd really rather stay home and sleep in and chill out...which leads me onto my second "Grr" inducing factor: I am lazy.

I am so lazy it's unreal. Today I meant to break my sleep cycle (I came off nights a few weeks ago and have not been sleeping right since...I can't figure out if I still have a sleep debt or if I am having *too* much sleep) by getting up at 7am. I had a few things to accomplish: tidy my room for a bit, buy some food for work, iron my trousers for work and have my hair done. Of all those, I managed one. Then, when I came home from the salon I realised that it's my friend's kid's birthday and I should have gone over there with a gift (a gift that I don't even think is suitable...) and then out with my boyfriend for his auntie's birthday meal...but no. I stayed at home and watched the end of the Britney documentary, an episode of Merlin and then half an episode of Frasier, all the while stuffing my face with custard creams. Hardly a productive afternoon. My studying (and therefore doctor-job-career thing) is slowly moving down the pan unless I get my act together before the end of the year with my room.

Plus I have the worries about Xmas shopping. Ahem: what am I buying for my mother, my father, my brother, my boyfriend and my friend Kayleigh? Then what is my mother buying for my boyfriend, my father, my brother? What is my father buying for my mother? What is my brother buying for my mother, my father and my boyfriend? What is my boyfriend buying for my mother, my father and my brother? If I buy this, who will pay for it? Has it arrived yet? Where am I storing it? Argh!

I should be shit hot. I should be rising at 5am five mornings a week and embarking on a 3 mile run, coming home to a shower and a healthy breakfast and then bam! out to work or to study. I should be ultra-organised with a diary that I keep at my side all the time, knowing exactly where everything is and when and reading every night, blogging every night....I should be extra helpful to my parents and extra nice to my brother and extra-everything to my boyfriend. I should be thin and well-dressed and made-up all the time, remembering everyone's birthdays and coming to every social gathering and commiting every detail to memory, all the while being the best worker at worker and the best student at college and having everyone say that "Yes, she'll be a fabulous doctor." But I'm not.

I hate it when other people are right about me. My father: "I'd jump over your bloody head". My mother: "You have to seize life by the horns." I should be so good. I have so much potential. This blog entry wasn't really about anyone else, this is about me and how I'm letting myself down every day of my life.

That last but one paragraph was...it kind of sums up my life. I think I may write that up. That's what I'm sort of aiming for...I need to think.