Marc

I feel quite sick at the moment. I'm listening to my guilty pleasure playlist, which consists of a handful of minor key, reflective pieces that only serve to make me feel worse, but also help me feel more inclined to write. Although, Daniel Merriweather's "Red" might just incite me to cry.

I'm troubled by the situation with Marc. That's the problem at the top of list. To outline: Marc is a porter at work who is my age (a rare thing in that place) and a genuinely nice guy. We've always got on well and we flirt a lot...I have always been a terrible flirt and never really thought that what I was doing was flirting until a few years ago. People have started to notice that we are friendlier than most colleagues are but then it doesn't do us any favours when he hugs me in the middle of the corridor or when I run my hand over his head. It's all meant in good fun but I haven't thought anything about it. However it's kind of progressed. The other night he told me that he liked me, in a roundabout way.

There is a bit more to it than that: I basically pushed him to tell me that he liked me. I had an idea that he liked me and I pushed and pushed until he told me. I felt bad right away: I made an essentially innocent guy tell me that he had feelings for me, something he probably never would have admitted to me and all because it made me feel a bit better about myself. Well, not even that, I don't feel like "ooh, Marc likes me". I just imagine myself as Keira Knightley in Love Actually with him as the Lancelot-esque admirer but it isn't like that because I live in the real world on my side of the fence. I don't know why I put myself in stories but I always have and I always will.

However, I couldn't leave it there. The following night I apologised for the previous night. He was pretty cool about it, telling me that if he didn't want to tell me he wouldn't have and that he didn't want me to say stuff in return. What did I do? I told him that were Stuart not on the scene "you and I could be on the cards".

What a stupid fucking thing to say.

Firstly, seriously bad phrasing, to imply a relationship would happen. Who says he wants one? Perhaps he just wants to nail me, I don't know. I should have said "I wouldn't say no". But no, I am an idiot.

Secondly, I basically outlined that I have no respect for my own relationship. If Stuart found out, he'd be so hurt and that would kill me, because I couldn't bear to hurt him, no matter what stupid thoughts rotate through my head. Taking that idea forward, were Marc to want a relationship with me, how could he trust me after I said something like that? We'd already had a conversation about Stuart's jealousy and how Marc wouldn't want a girlfriend to behave as I am behaving with Marc. It shouldn't really matter, but I feel like I have lost his respect and affection and I didn't want to do that, especially since he likes me. It must make me look less desirable to him. even though I shouldn't care. But I do care. I get jealous when he talks to other girls, I do care.

And finally, it probably came across as a pitiful remark, something I said to make him feel better because of what I elicited from him the other night. It wasn't meant in that way, it was made in the way it was intended. And how does that help him, even if he took it in the best way? It doesn't. I have just made him feel worse, because he can't have me.

At the heart of this though, I have less respect for myself. I don't quite know how I am going to face him next week. Stupid girl. I am not texting him and the text I replied to (from him) this afternoon came back minus a response so I figure he is being a tad weird with me. *sigh* I have issues, I seriously have issues.

Marc's Messages 24/7 AM

In tomorrow, c u then, sleep well :D

Oh cool see you then. Oh and why and what did you think id think less of you about?

Cos girls don't say stuff like that, esp cos we don't really know each other that well

Maybe not but i think we get on well enough to not worry about stuff like that. At least thats how i feel anyway. I doubt theres much you could say that would make me think less anyway. Im not the type to judge and besides if anything it made me think more for your honesty and possibly feeling comfortable talking to me like that

Cool, keep it to urself tho and don't get any ideas ;)

Only messin btw!

Haha dont worry i wont. I dont do nothing other than the real thing and on that front its not even a remote possibility. You dont need to ask me to be discreet either im not one to carry others business to other convos

I know i know. Will be back to normal soon, that's why I've been more flirty than normal! Secret mind! Lol!

Well no worries. You just love playing with my mind :p

Of course, I told you that the other day! Not that you don't love having ur mind played with...

Who knows :P your gonna make me go insane one of these day :p

Why?

You just will. My mind is a very fragile thing!

Oh bless! Sure there wasn't anything else you wanted to tell me?

Like what? Your terrible for reading through the lines you know

Yes but am I good at it?

I think so yes

Is this as awkward as I think it might be?

Sorry

Marc?

Possibly who knows :p it can be as awkward as you want it to be

For what lol

Sorry just had to top up!

Phew, though u were being a bit funny with me, were cool right? I have no idea whats going on!!!

Haha yea its all cool dear. Why did you think otherwise? Or question it anyway?

Dunno, I just have a history of pushing things a bit too far and then not being able to be friends with a guy after cos I've pused for them to say things...if you think I'm a tease you won't be the first person to say it :(

Not at all sweetheart. I think very highly of you and i know its all in good fun. Honestly dont worry about any of that stuff theres nothing to worry about. If i sounded a bit off or strange its just down to me being a lonely old man. Nothing you have said or done.

As long as were cool cos I look forward to working with you and it would be awful if we couldn't be mates. Hahaha its like therapy doin this! Lol!

Dont be daft theres no reason why we cant be. I look forward to it too and i enjoy our chats and whatnot. There arent many i speak to properly at the best of times let alone have an intellectual conversation.

There was something i was going to say but because of what it may lead to id rather not say it at all so dont feel like youve said something wrong

You cant say that and then not tell me! Tell me now!! Whatever it is, it'll be cool, honestly.

Unless you tell me you like molesting dead bodies or something seriously uncool like that, lol!!!

Haha nah its not worth it. I know it will probably bug you now but its not really necessary

Tell. Me. Now.

I definitely wont tell you then! :p lol

Please?

Lol honestly ignore me im just in a sombre mood. Think ill get to bed. I will see you tomorrow chicken. Take care!

No no no!!! Please tell me now? Please please please?

Dont worry im just a bit muddled in my thoughts really

I am worried now, are you ok?

Yea dont be silly im fine. Ill see you tomorrow!

Well tell me please? Please?

Well if u wont tell me thats ok but I will have it out of you

Night night x

I guess like you said you can push things too far and whatnot i tend to look too far into things and take wrong signals and stuff which isnt good. Specially in my current situation. As i said im just feeling lonely lately so i keep going in these funny moods. Dont worry about it. Ill see you tomorrow and this time im definitely going to sleep! Night

Well that was pretty much it. I guess i felt or feel like i want something you cant offer but im still like hanging on for some reason. I dunno as i said i take things out of context and whatnot. Hope saying that doesnt change anything either. Im happy with how things are...

Marc, were cool. Dont worry about it. Well have a chat tomorrow cos I need to apolgoise but I think its best said face to face. Take it easy :D