Boring Introspection & Planning

Well, it's the day before the last exam. I am very flighty at the moment because it's my way of dealing with the nerves. I feel like I want to run around screaming or just do something really crazy. I don't feel good though; it hasn't sunk it yet that I am going to fail tomorrow. People keep telling me that I don't know that I'm going to fail, but you know something? That really annoys me. I know that I haven't worked hard enough to get two Cs, let alone two As so don't tell me that it's going to be fine because it isn't. A wonderful paper is not going to solve the fact that I won't be able to handle half the questions.

What's worse is that this time last year I was doing the same thing: preparing to fail and writing myself a cheque to cash another day. "At some point in the future I will be organised and structured and studious"... and putting the pressure on my future self to deliver. I keep taking the rewards now and putting the work off until the last minute. I hate being like this. I hate everyone seeing that I talk the talk but don't do the walk. Think of those bloody nurses that I work with and secretly hate...they'll all be saying how I'm lazy or worse: stupid. Guh.

Another crap thing is that this time last year, and now to a certain extent, I felt good, like I was going to get my life under control. All I needed to do was get through these exams, knowing that failure was imminent...and yet exactly a year on I am in the same place. I have not done any development at all: personally or in terms of my career. That sucks, because I spend a lot of my time reading these productivity blogs and thinking that I'm developing, but I'm not. I put everything off because I cannot be bothered. Bottom line: I am lazy. It's not a great feeling.

With all that navel-gazing out of the way, it's time to fashion a plan out of this pit of failure. I have to spend time getting myself organised:

• physically - start running, start dieting properly, time my hair appointments, get new glasses etc.
• my spaces - my bedroom, my finances etc.
• studies - time vs. topics,
  
• med school selections
• a gap year plan

Now in the words of Lady Macbeth, "to bed, to bed". Not that there's a knocking at the gate but I have to sleep.