Sad and worried...

I've just spent the past few hours downloading Kings of Leon's four albums in preparation for next Wednesday. I bought my tickets for them today, much to the Mothership's disapproval at both the price (£105 - well, it is Ebay) and the fact that I'm going on my own. I can't wholly disagree with both. What I've paid is five times the face value and I am a little nervous about going on my own...make that a lot nervous. I'm hoping that they might have those seats at the back and I might get to sneak up there. Or I may just sell the ticket instead to my mother's approval, my (probable) loss of money and my boyfriend's disappointment. Ho hum indeed.

Today I was lazy. Really lazy. Got up at 11am, mooched around on the internet since then with very little to eat (a yoghurt, a few biscuits, two burgers and two Welsh cakes are all I've eaten today.) It will be interesting to see what the Daily Plate makes of my consumption.

I should have done so much more...I haven't e.g. picked the bed up off my floor or washed my new work uniform. I haven't paid my parking ticket either which I am getting worried about now. I haven't studied, tidied up etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. I am going to bed now, because I'm depressed and worried.

Introspective Shite

Bloody internet just ate my entry.

Anyway. I was saying that I am angry and that I don't have one specific reason why I'm angry. I have a few things that are generally irritating me right now but not one bone fide "that's what I'm really cheesed off about!" reason.

Firstly, I have work in the morning. In itself, work isn't that bad. It's a long day and a lot of it depends on my colleages but on the whole it should *hopefully* be a good day. However, work in the morning means a sleepless night, a 5am wake-up call, a probable length rendezvous with the de-icer at 6am, a search for car parking spaces because I have no change (unless I can use my card on site...) and...y'know it's work. I'd really rather stay home and sleep in and chill out...which leads me onto my second "Grr" inducing factor: I am lazy.

I am so lazy it's unreal. Today I meant to break my sleep cycle (I came off nights a few weeks ago and have not been sleeping right since...I can't figure out if I still have a sleep debt or if I am having *too* much sleep) by getting up at 7am. I had a few things to accomplish: tidy my room for a bit, buy some food for work, iron my trousers for work and have my hair done. Of all those, I managed one. Then, when I came home from the salon I realised that it's my friend's kid's birthday and I should have gone over there with a gift (a gift that I don't even think is suitable...) and then out with my boyfriend for his auntie's birthday meal...but no. I stayed at home and watched the end of the Britney documentary, an episode of Merlin and then half an episode of Frasier, all the while stuffing my face with custard creams. Hardly a productive afternoon. My studying (and therefore doctor-job-career thing) is slowly moving down the pan unless I get my act together before the end of the year with my room.

Plus I have the worries about Xmas shopping. Ahem: what am I buying for my mother, my father, my brother, my boyfriend and my friend Kayleigh? Then what is my mother buying for my boyfriend, my father, my brother? What is my father buying for my mother? What is my brother buying for my mother, my father and my boyfriend? What is my boyfriend buying for my mother, my father and my brother? If I buy this, who will pay for it? Has it arrived yet? Where am I storing it? Argh!

I should be shit hot. I should be rising at 5am five mornings a week and embarking on a 3 mile run, coming home to a shower and a healthy breakfast and then bam! out to work or to study. I should be ultra-organised with a diary that I keep at my side all the time, knowing exactly where everything is and when and reading every night, blogging every night....I should be extra helpful to my parents and extra nice to my brother and extra-everything to my boyfriend. I should be thin and well-dressed and made-up all the time, remembering everyone's birthdays and coming to every social gathering and commiting every detail to memory, all the while being the best worker at worker and the best student at college and having everyone say that "Yes, she'll be a fabulous doctor." But I'm not.

I hate it when other people are right about me. My father: "I'd jump over your bloody head". My mother: "You have to seize life by the horns." I should be so good. I have so much potential. This blog entry wasn't really about anyone else, this is about me and how I'm letting myself down every day of my life.

That last but one paragraph was...it kind of sums up my life. I think I may write that up. That's what I'm sort of aiming for...I need to think.

And so I have returned from giving a blood sample that will hopefully enable me to go back to giving platelets. My arm hurts though. Plus I have the stem of my newly inserted Mooncup digging into me in all the wrong places. Having said that, apart from being difficult to insert when dry (duh!) it was OK.

The Mothership has just phoned. She sounded like she's very busy and not in the best of moods but she decided to talk to me about last night. You see, the Boyfriend and I are thinking about buying/renting my grandfather's old house. He died last year, it has been inherited by my mother and my uncle and they have done it up quite nicely. Unfortunately because of the so-called credit crunch no one has bought the house and at some point before Xmas, the council tax, water rates etc. are going to kick in. The Boyfriend and I applied for a mortgage this time last year, but our application went in two days after Northern Rock went under and we didn't get anywhere near enough money. We let the idea go, but now it has resurfaced. The Mothership has talked to the stubborn uncle recently about us renting it. He is not keen on the idea, maintaining that he wants the house to be up for sale all the while we are in there. The Boyfriend, however, is very keen and the Mothership is in her element, picking out housewares and kettles and making, I kid you not, a list of stuff we'd need and where to get it from. I have to confess here and now that any mention of housewares sends me to sleep and as childish as it is, I resent spending my hard-earned money on cushion covers and bedding. The Boyfriend bought a pair of duvet sets from QVC on Monday night but I was so uninterested I have absolutely no idea what colour I actually said.

Anyway, last night the Boyfriend said that he'd talked to his mother about us maybe having the house and he also mentioned that she was going to pick up tea towels from Asda for us. The Mothership was not impressed about the kitchen containing "cheap crap" and I think she insulted Stuart by saying so. I'd have been insulted too, it's like saying "your mother's taste is not good enough". I put forward that "beggars can't be choosers" and skirted away from the topic. I'd been in work all day, barrier nursing a C. diff woman and going on various wild goose chases for lost patients and cot sides etc. I was not in the mood. I have to be in a particularly receptive mood to talk house gear.

Now, just as I sat here monitoring my Travian village, the Mothership phoned and proceeded to tell me why last night may have gone down like a lead balloon but...1) the only towels in Asda are nasty ones that I'd have to iron all the time (as if I really would iron tea towels) and that 2) we shouldn't settle for crap just because we don't have a lot and 3) that we should have a few nice things such as, get this, a £35 kettle from M&S and 4) that if Asda had any nice towels she'd have picked them up a long time ago and 5) why is Stuart's mother getting involved when a few months ago she said "no" to giving us a deposit for the house and 6) why can't she just give us money? which actually means why can't she give us money for the Mothership to spend on our behalf. Whose freakin' house is it going to be?

Right at this moment I am piggy in the middle and I'm really thinking about saying that I don't want to do it. I have my own reservations about it. How do I manage college and full-time work and a house and cooking and cleaning etc.? Are we going to be able to afford it? Can I afford to pay my own stuff and have enough for bills as well as all the furniture we are going to need? I can sure as hell kiss goodbye to a holiday next year. I'm so frustrated and angry at the moment. I am going to put my foot down tonight.

Stinky Sundays

It's Sunday and as expected the Mothership is shouting at someone. *sigh*

Having just spent a moment with my ear outside the door, I have identified that she is having a go at the Kid, who has opened a packet of biscuits into the desperate-for-a-clean biscuit container. When will he learn? When will he switch his brain on? However, the damage is done. She will remain in a shitty mood all day, wishing for death (and I hate it when she does that) then maybe arguing with Father Bear when he comes back from B&Q. Today has just gone tits up.

The Kid, upon questioning, told me to "get off my fucking high horse", so I am no longer on speaking terms with him until an apology is forthcoming. Twat. I don't know why he thinks he is so special that he can get away without contributing to the household. If I were my parents, I'd take money off him as its the only thing he really cares about. However, if I suggested it, I would be forcibly reminded that they didn't take money off me until I was 19/20, naturally forgetting that I have always contributed to the chores without audible protestations while my brother, when asked to empty the dishwasher, whines in disgust as if the task were too low for him and then leaves it for days, until someone else does it out of frustration. Once again, twat.

I shouldn't really be sat here. I should be tidying the bombsite that is my bed at present, then once that is done I need to pull out the books for an hour. Today is going to be so much fun.

Well, today is my cousin's wedding but I'm actually not really bothered, which sounds cruel but it's mainly for the reason that I am disasterously unprepared. I still have not plucked my eyebrows, scrubbed my face, washed (and therefore dried and straightened) my hair, shaved my legs and armpits, done anything about my growing my nails or getting my hair trimmed or begrudgingly stumping up cash for a spray tan...and before I do anything I have to go to Tesco and buy some shampoo and conditioner. *sigh* It's just all too much, it really is. LOL.

The worst bit about today will be when my brother's girlfriend shows up, all petite waist and high heels and long curly hair and she will make me feel like crap because the scales lied to me and I am still 11 stone 4 and not 8 stone 7. *sigh*

The Mothership has just left for the salon to have colours put in. She woke me up around an hour ago to remind me that her parcel, a cardigan she'd ordered from Dorothy Perkins, was hopefully going to come today and that as she was off out I was to stand guard. The trouble with our house is that we don't have a doorbell that works, so we rely on superhuman hearing (that no-one posesses) in order to hear people tap the door. It is important to remember that there is (if you are e.g. in the kitchen) a distance of fifteen metres and a pair of doors between you and the postman. Luckily for us, by the time the Mothership reached the bottom of the stairs, the delivery people had been and left the parcel over the side gate. Hooray!

Now, having been unceremoniously awoken far too early given my late night and my (probable) sleep debt from earlier this week, I am in that foggy, heavy-eyes phase that is oh-so-awful plus I have a headache and I feel uninclined to do anything except sit here and fiddle with 43things.com. I have 21 things in total and I need to make them all SMART goals at some point and write up all my NUTs for the big NUT project. NUT stands for Nagging Unfinished Task and I have *so* many of those. The trouble is rounding up all the notebooks and writing the tasks on here.

I want to go back to sleep.

College, iTunes and more goal musing

Yesterday I didn't go to college. I should have because I wanted a 100% attendance record. Yesterday I just didn't feel like it and it probably has to do with the fact that I didn't do much at all except surf the net. Plus I don't like the rest of the class, they are not interested (with not a scrap of chemical knowledge between them) and they're all a bit like 17 year old kids full of attitude and eye-rolls. I feel I should have been there though for Elaine's sake if nothing else. So I feel a bit guilty this morning.

I went through the new book last night and have identified what we have studied so far. I need to do that with the chemistry book this morning before I write a few notes. I really need to put in a solid two hours this morning before I embark on the household chores, plus a spot of room tidying and the dreaded ironing. *shudders* Although, the bonus with ironing is either watching TV or listening to podcasts.

I downloaded iTunes last night because I was looking for a song I heard on Radio 2 coming home from work on Monday night. It was a blues number by someone called Phil Guy and I really liked it. However, I've not been able to find it on iTunes (shock, horror! What can't you find on iTunes?!) and the album is £13.00 on the net so I don't think I'll bother. FrostWire isn't picking up anything either.

I have been going through the podcast section of iTunes and it's turned up a few gems: great historical speeches, basic philosophy and religion and a Star Trek podcast. I fear that I may have to uninstall iTunes however, because it was halfway through converting my .wma files when I went to bed last night and I don't know how to get it to continue re-converting. So I may have to pull the plug and start again.

I've just dropped my car down for an MOT and the walk back has given the old heart rate a kick start. I am so unfit, it is not funny. I may walk miles in work but as soon as you throw an incline at me, I'm done. I found a beginners program for runners the other night and I'm seriously contemplating doing it. It's called "Couch to 5K" and the only thing stopping me is the fact that I haven't got a life balance yet. Before I introduce anything like a real diet or a running program I want to be able to say that I am keeping up with my studying. At the moment, my days off are spent like I am now, downstairs on the laptop, literally watching the day pass me by. I need to be studying 40 hours a week, if that's possible, before I consider anything else. I'm making it a goal on 43things and using Lifetick's SMART goal checklist to make it attainable.

Work Update

LiveJournal tells me it is four weeks since I last posted an entry. Whoops. Not that I have been up to anything desperately exciting. It's the usual work, study, berate myself for not working hard enough hamster wheel that life is at present.

I've been working the twelve and a half hour shifts for a little while now. They are hard, it's not use to protest otherwise. But I am getting used to it. Initially I found that three days on the trot was very hard to get through. Day 2 was the worst, because with day 3 I knew I was having a few days off afterwards and with day 1 I had energy reserves. I decided that I didn't want to work three days in a row. However, now that I'm doing two days plus one stray shift a week, I'm finding that my days off are far less fun because work comes around quicker. I may ask to go back to three in a row.

I always come away from work feeling like I haven't accomplished anything, that all I've done are itty-bitty tasks leaving me with no satisfaction at all. In a sense, I am there to save the qualified nurses from doing the itty-bitty tasks because they are busy. I just hate leaving work feeling physically exhausted and yet not able to explain why. I sleep like the dead, feeling an all over ache the day after finished a stint at work.

*sigh* I just have to remember that this is a small blip in the system and one day, I am going to be an intensivist.