Be Prepared!

Whenever I go out somewhere I always feel underprepared. Tonight is a classic example. Stu and I headed up to Andrew's place for Jack's 12th birthday party. As usual, Stuart's family congregated for a Chinese. It's how they celebrate every occasion and after three years, I'm so bored. Plus it didn't really feel like a 12 year old's birthday. We all sat around on the couch, all twelve of us, eating the takeaway off our laps while watching "Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old?" I could have stayed home and done that. For Jack's part, he remained casually uninterested and I don't blame him.

The point of the post is that I felt underprepared, despite wearing a nice top and a fair amount of make-up. I hadn't put handcream on and it made me feel like a failure. I knew that I'd be meeting up with Jo and Leah and I felt like I needed to be the skinniest and prettiest of us, the three girlfriends, as Leah and Jo have both just had babies. I don't have the social attributes, I know this, so I try and plug the gap by having the physical attributes. I just feel like I need to be perfect. I feel like I need to have perfectly coiffered hair and great clothes and a skinny waist before anyone will take me seriously.

Plus my "failure mood" was enhanced by the fact that I didn't really want to have a Chinese. It stemmed from me being invited to eat something I knew I shouldn't. I knew that I would feel, and still do feel, so guilty about eating it. I would have used the dieting excuse but since I have eaten two custard tarts, a fruit trifle and a full bowl of cheesy mash, it wouldn't really stand up to scrutiny. To be honest, much of the anti-Chinese was due to my own guilt about my lack of dieting.

I also feel like it needs mentioning: when Karen and Mark quizzed me about my career prospects, I couldn't really answer and said "Oh, I don't know what I'm doing." They both gave me a look of disbelief and I could have quite happily ripped a shred off my forearm. Moreover, I am quibbling over whether I should make myself sick before bedtime. Hmm.