Exercise #1: Fear of Failure

I've been asked to talk about my fear of failure for a new self-discipline book I'm reading. Today I need to recall three past experiences that I perceive as failures, mistakes or just dumb behaviour:

#1 - my main recent failure is in these exams. I know that when the exam results come out on Thursday I won't have done very well. I haven't done very well because I work full-time, and it is a valid reason. However I also didn't try as hard as I should. I didn't have the motivation and the self-discipline to work because there were always more important or fun things to do (Escapism and Delayism). End of story. I also end up fighting against my perfectionism when I do get down to study. I don't understand why but I feel like it needs to be perfect. (Cynicism?)

#2 - One of my early failures/embarrassments/humiliations was the whole experience of boys during my early teenage years. Twice I was asked out by boys (to be the girlfriend in name only, as you are at that age) only for it to be a joke. A year later, I asked out a guy who I really liked, Finlay, only for him to turn me down. I think it fuelled an already existing fear of not being liked or being good enough. I know that, although outwardly confident, I have low self-esteem. I think that this low self-esteem comes, unintentionally, from my mother. I have never made my own decisions or done things to please myself because she has always been the stamp of approval on me and my life.

#3 - A further failure is actually regret that I don't get involved in things, and I feel that I missed out on a lot in school because of this. I didn't get involved in the school play, I didn't play in the school orchestra etc. etc. etc. because I was scared of people laughing at me. I hid it as anti-establishmentism but it was fear of being judged as not good enough. And there were plenty of people better at things than me. So I don't think I bothered because I wouldn't be the best. (Negativism & Defeatism)

Although I didn't expect it, it turns out everything listed in the "Self-Discipline Poisons" section applies to me. Additionally, I realise that I need to work on my self-esteem a lot more. This has been very enlightening...