Right now, I should be in work. Right about now, my hastily arranged cover will be cleaning a trolley, emptying a sharps bin or maybe enjoying a well-earned cup of tea. In any case, I don't feel a twinge of guilt about it. In case you haven't guessed, I'm not sick.
For the second night on the trot I have phoned in sick, citing migraine (brought on by stress, dontcha know?) but I will go to work tomorrow. I'll go mainly because it will reflect better on me given that I have two weeks of annual leave starting on Wednesday and also because it's my last night shift until I don't know when. *happy smile* No, I'm not happy that it's my last night shift because I quite like nights, but I am glad for the annual leave and the opportunity to work days again. But that's tomorrow.
Tonight I have to stay up quite late and study. It's going to be quite a feat. I'm quite tired at the moment and the second I start looking at the function of the various pieces of the heart, my eyes are going to start getting heavy and I'm going to start dreaming of my bed. I have 14 double-page spreads get through before I feel like I've accomplished anything and I really don't feel like I'll hit 5. *sigh* We'll just see what happens.
The house is in turmoil at the moment. M is not speaking to D and vice versa. BtK is not speaking to M or D. I am speaking to everyone, I think. It all started because BtK didn't empty the dishwasher this afternoon before he went a-frollicking, and also because neither M nor D have a lot of patience with technology and/or each other. *sigh* Things will fix when Btk moves out, or when I move out and I don't have to experience it anymore.
I shall end with something that made me smile today: the Robinson advert with the bird. Pure class.
Monday, 18 May 2009
Sunday, 17 May 2009
Intro Post: 100 Q&As for shedcatwonders
1) Are you in a relationship with somebody? Yes, his name is Stuart and we are engaged. We have been together three and a half years next month.
2) Do you hate more than 3 people? I don't hate anybody, I just severely dislike people. And I severely dislike more than 3 people.
3) How many houses have you lived in? Houses: 7 Flats:2
4) Favorite candy bar? I am quite partial to a Crunchie, although it's a mood thing.
5) Favorite shoes? Probably my gold ballerina shoes.
6) Have you ever tripped someone? I don't think so, I wouldn't say I am malicious.
7) Least favorite school subject? Design & Technology.
9) Do you own a Britney Spears CD? Yes. More than one, actually. *shame*
10) Have you ever thrown up in public? Yes. I was about 14, at school and I'd had scrambled eggs for breakfast. We were walking from our registration period to our first lesson (R.E. I think) and had to walk past the corridor that had the kitchens at the end. They were making some sort of egg dish for lunch and it smelt fairly strong...moments later, I threw up in the corridor.
11) Name one thing that is always on your mind. Work. People at work, what they think about me, reliving conversations, planning arguments and debates with people where I come out on top and respected. Quite sad, really.
12) Favorite genre of music? I love many kinds of music and it really depends on the mood I am in. At the moment I am loving Yiruma, Beyonce and Kings of Leon.
13) What is your zodiac sign? Taurus.
14) What time were you born? 11:03pm.
15) Do you like beer? No.
16) Ever made a prank phone call? Sort of. I bleeped one of the doctors in work and put the callback number as the on-site car park office. The same night, the registrar encouraged us to continuously bleep her SHO. His bleep crashed. Switchboard were not amused.
17) What is the most embarrassing CD you own? Probably S Club 7 or Peter Andre. Some late 90s kiddie pop.
18) Are you sarcastic? Oh yes, despite it being the lowest form of wit.
19) What are your favorite colors?I don't have favourites, I love them all equally. Except beige and grey marl. Can't quite get around grey marl.
20) How many watches do you own? Not many. Two or three. I use my fob watch the most.
21) Summer or winter? Winter, because the fashions don't require excess amounts of flesh and you get to spend the evenings in, defending against the weather. And I love de-icing my car.
23) Favorite color to wear? I love wearing bright colours but I know that because of my colouring, I love good in greens and browns.
24) Pepsi or Sprite? Sprite.
25) What color is your cell phone? Pink.
26) Where is your second home? I haven't found it yet.
27) Have you ever slapped someone? Yes, but only playfully.
28) Have you ever had a cavity? Yes, I think I have one small one.
29) How many lamps are in your bedroom? Two: the lamp by the desk and the dawn simulator on the dressing table.
30) How many video games do you own? About 15. Three for the PS3 and the rest for the DS.
31) What was your first pet? Well, we had a black lab from before I was born until I was 6 but I don't remember her so my first pet was another dog that we had from when I was about 7 until I was about 22. Her name was Bonnie and she was gorgeous: a cross between a pedigree Chow Chow and a German Shepherd.
32) Ever had braces? Yes, and it is worth it. Even my orthodontist commented on how great my smile is.
33) Do looks matter? Unfortunately, they do. It's shallow but true.
34) Do you use chap stick? Now and again. Mostly in work.
35) Name 3 teachers from High School. Mr Evans: geography, form tutor and general slime bag after he put his hand down my friend's top. Mrs Robinson: law teacher and greatest teacher I've ever known. Mr Lander: maths teacher and serious, seriously bad crush. I saw him about three years ago in the job I had then and had to get someone else to serve him because I was so embarrassed.
36) American Eagle or Abercombie? What?
37) Are you too forgiving? Sometimes, usually because I hate fighting.
38) How many children do you want? Four boys: Caleb, Oliver, Edward and I can't remember what the other one is called. I will probably end up with three girls and they'll all hate me.
39) Do you own something from Hot Topic? Again, what?
40) Favorite breakfast meal? That's a mood thing. At the moment I like tea and biscuits. It's not very healthy but I'm back on Weight Watchers in two weeks so get over it!
41) Do you own a gun? No, because they aren't legal in Britain and for that I am *so* grateful.
42) Ever thought you were in love? The honest answer is no.
43) When was the last time you cried? I was a bit upset this afternoon because I had an argument with my parents and they said some awful things about me, like I'll never be a doctor.
44) What did you do 3 nights ago? I skived off college 3 nights ago. I hope I studied to make up for it.
45) Olive Garden? What?
46) Have you ever called your teacher mommy? Yes, when I was small. Not recently.
47) Have you ever been in a castle? I live in Wales...
48) Nicknames? Aims, Junior, Sammy, Sam, Phen.
49) Do you know anyone named Bertha? Well, there was a Bertha in Jane Eyre...
50) Ever been to Kentucky? No.
51) Do you own something from Banana Republic? No.
52) Are you thinking about somebody right now? No, because I am doing this quiz...
53) Have you ever called someone Boo? No.
55) Do you own a diamond ring? Yes, given to me at Xmas by my significant other.
56) Are you happy with your life right now? I am not where I want to be but I am happy with what I've got.
57) Do you dye your hair? No, but I am thinking of going blonde in order to look like Taylor Swift.
58) Does anyone like you? I hope so.
59) What year were you born? 1986.
60) What were you doing in May of 1994? I was 8 and we had just moved to Krefeld in Germany. After that I can't remember.
61) Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD? Yes, three of them.
62) McDonalds or Wendys? McDonalds, and that's only if I'm desperate.
63) Do you like yourself? No, I want to change lots about myself. I want to be smarter, more pretty, fitter, skinnier, more assertive, more patient etc. etc. etc.
64) Are you closer to your mother or father? Mother, but pretty close to both.
65) Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex? Hands and eyes. Use your head. *wink*
66) Are you afraid of the dark? Not explicitly.
67) Have you ever eaten paste? As in salmon paste? Yes. As in wallpaper paste? No.
68) Do you own a webcam? Yes, but I don't use it. I want a laptop with an integrated one. Not that I'd use it then but it would reduce some space.
69) Have you ever stripped? Yes, twice a day.
70) Ever broke a bone? No and I don't fancy it much either.
72) Do you chat on AIM often? No, I had a bad experience on Yahoo! Chat the other night and won't be repeating it any time soon.
73) Pringles or Lays? Pringles, hands down. Once you pop, you can't stop!
74) Have you ever broken someone's heart? I don't think so.
75) Rugrats or Doug? Rugrats. Ah, retro cartoons....
76) Full House or The Brady Bunch? Neither.
77) Did you like your high school guidance counselor? Can't remember and careers advisors are always rubbish. It's the law. The college one tried to persuade me to go into occupational therapy. I can't think of anything more grim.
78) Has anyone ever called you fat? Yes and in three weeks I am going back to Weight Watches and onto the Couch to 5k program.
79) Do you have a birth mark? No.
80) Do you own a car?Yes, it's my second car and it's lovely. It is called the Frog.
81) Can you cook? I can make a decent pasta bake and a good chocolate cake but I'm working on stellar mashed potato. If I was on death row, I'd have homemade mash with cheese as my last meal.
82) 3 things that annoy you: My brother's refusal to accept he is wrong, he is lazy etc. My own lack of self-discipline. Celebrities like Kerry Katona and Katie Price, who have no talent except somehow managing to sell newspapers.
83) Do you text message often? Not as much as my peers and I always feel out of touch for not being a texting fiend.
84) Money or love? I should say love but I'm not certain.
85) Do you have any scars? I have one across my stomach where I had a hernia repaired as a toddler. I also have a scar on my knee from taking the rubbish out and someone has put a broken glass in there. I also have a scar on my left forearm which everyone thinks is a burn from work/from the oven at home but is actually self-harm
86) What do you want more than anything right now? To be in medical school, accepted by my peers and away from real life.
87) Do you enjoy scary movies? No, but I'll watch them.
88) Relationships or one night stands? I can see the fun in both.
89) Big Red or Juicy Fruit? Pass.
90) Do you enjoy greasy food? You cannot beat a Chinese, like I had last night. You just can't. Or good British chips and gravy.
91) Have you seen all the Rocky movies? No but I can sing the theme tune.
92) Do you own a box of crayons? No. My creativity stretches to the piano and that's it.
94) Who was the last person that said they loved you? My mother, post-fight.
95) Who was the last person that made you mad? My mother, mid-fight.
96) Who was the last person that made you cry? My mother, mid-fight.
97) Who was the last person that made you laugh? One of the Blackadder guys: "Treat your plane as you treat your woman. Get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back." Priceless.
98) Who was the last person that you fell for? There are plenty of cute doctors and nurses at work and I quite like one of the porters but I haven't been heart-sinkingly attached to someone since my significant other.
99) Who was the last person that instant messaged you? Can't remember.
100) Who was the last person that called you? My fiancee.
2) Do you hate more than 3 people? I don't hate anybody, I just severely dislike people. And I severely dislike more than 3 people.
3) How many houses have you lived in? Houses: 7 Flats:2
4) Favorite candy bar? I am quite partial to a Crunchie, although it's a mood thing.
5) Favorite shoes? Probably my gold ballerina shoes.
6) Have you ever tripped someone? I don't think so, I wouldn't say I am malicious.
7) Least favorite school subject? Design & Technology.
9) Do you own a Britney Spears CD? Yes. More than one, actually. *shame*
10) Have you ever thrown up in public? Yes. I was about 14, at school and I'd had scrambled eggs for breakfast. We were walking from our registration period to our first lesson (R.E. I think) and had to walk past the corridor that had the kitchens at the end. They were making some sort of egg dish for lunch and it smelt fairly strong...moments later, I threw up in the corridor.
11) Name one thing that is always on your mind. Work. People at work, what they think about me, reliving conversations, planning arguments and debates with people where I come out on top and respected. Quite sad, really.
12) Favorite genre of music? I love many kinds of music and it really depends on the mood I am in. At the moment I am loving Yiruma, Beyonce and Kings of Leon.
13) What is your zodiac sign? Taurus.
14) What time were you born? 11:03pm.
15) Do you like beer? No.
16) Ever made a prank phone call? Sort of. I bleeped one of the doctors in work and put the callback number as the on-site car park office. The same night, the registrar encouraged us to continuously bleep her SHO. His bleep crashed. Switchboard were not amused.
17) What is the most embarrassing CD you own? Probably S Club 7 or Peter Andre. Some late 90s kiddie pop.
18) Are you sarcastic? Oh yes, despite it being the lowest form of wit.
19) What are your favorite colors?I don't have favourites, I love them all equally. Except beige and grey marl. Can't quite get around grey marl.
20) How many watches do you own? Not many. Two or three. I use my fob watch the most.
21) Summer or winter? Winter, because the fashions don't require excess amounts of flesh and you get to spend the evenings in, defending against the weather. And I love de-icing my car.
23) Favorite color to wear? I love wearing bright colours but I know that because of my colouring, I love good in greens and browns.
24) Pepsi or Sprite? Sprite.
25) What color is your cell phone? Pink.
26) Where is your second home? I haven't found it yet.
27) Have you ever slapped someone? Yes, but only playfully.
28) Have you ever had a cavity? Yes, I think I have one small one.
29) How many lamps are in your bedroom? Two: the lamp by the desk and the dawn simulator on the dressing table.
30) How many video games do you own? About 15. Three for the PS3 and the rest for the DS.
31) What was your first pet? Well, we had a black lab from before I was born until I was 6 but I don't remember her so my first pet was another dog that we had from when I was about 7 until I was about 22. Her name was Bonnie and she was gorgeous: a cross between a pedigree Chow Chow and a German Shepherd.
32) Ever had braces? Yes, and it is worth it. Even my orthodontist commented on how great my smile is.
33) Do looks matter? Unfortunately, they do. It's shallow but true.
34) Do you use chap stick? Now and again. Mostly in work.
35) Name 3 teachers from High School. Mr Evans: geography, form tutor and general slime bag after he put his hand down my friend's top. Mrs Robinson: law teacher and greatest teacher I've ever known. Mr Lander: maths teacher and serious, seriously bad crush. I saw him about three years ago in the job I had then and had to get someone else to serve him because I was so embarrassed.
36) American Eagle or Abercombie? What?
37) Are you too forgiving? Sometimes, usually because I hate fighting.
38) How many children do you want? Four boys: Caleb, Oliver, Edward and I can't remember what the other one is called. I will probably end up with three girls and they'll all hate me.
39) Do you own something from Hot Topic? Again, what?
40) Favorite breakfast meal? That's a mood thing. At the moment I like tea and biscuits. It's not very healthy but I'm back on Weight Watchers in two weeks so get over it!
41) Do you own a gun? No, because they aren't legal in Britain and for that I am *so* grateful.
42) Ever thought you were in love? The honest answer is no.
43) When was the last time you cried? I was a bit upset this afternoon because I had an argument with my parents and they said some awful things about me, like I'll never be a doctor.
44) What did you do 3 nights ago? I skived off college 3 nights ago. I hope I studied to make up for it.
45) Olive Garden? What?
46) Have you ever called your teacher mommy? Yes, when I was small. Not recently.
47) Have you ever been in a castle? I live in Wales...
48) Nicknames? Aims, Junior, Sammy, Sam, Phen.
49) Do you know anyone named Bertha? Well, there was a Bertha in Jane Eyre...
50) Ever been to Kentucky? No.
51) Do you own something from Banana Republic? No.
52) Are you thinking about somebody right now? No, because I am doing this quiz...
53) Have you ever called someone Boo? No.
55) Do you own a diamond ring? Yes, given to me at Xmas by my significant other.
56) Are you happy with your life right now? I am not where I want to be but I am happy with what I've got.
57) Do you dye your hair? No, but I am thinking of going blonde in order to look like Taylor Swift.
58) Does anyone like you? I hope so.
59) What year were you born? 1986.
60) What were you doing in May of 1994? I was 8 and we had just moved to Krefeld in Germany. After that I can't remember.
61) Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD? Yes, three of them.
62) McDonalds or Wendys? McDonalds, and that's only if I'm desperate.
63) Do you like yourself? No, I want to change lots about myself. I want to be smarter, more pretty, fitter, skinnier, more assertive, more patient etc. etc. etc.
64) Are you closer to your mother or father? Mother, but pretty close to both.
65) Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex? Hands and eyes. Use your head. *wink*
66) Are you afraid of the dark? Not explicitly.
67) Have you ever eaten paste? As in salmon paste? Yes. As in wallpaper paste? No.
68) Do you own a webcam? Yes, but I don't use it. I want a laptop with an integrated one. Not that I'd use it then but it would reduce some space.
69) Have you ever stripped? Yes, twice a day.
70) Ever broke a bone? No and I don't fancy it much either.
72) Do you chat on AIM often? No, I had a bad experience on Yahoo! Chat the other night and won't be repeating it any time soon.
73) Pringles or Lays? Pringles, hands down. Once you pop, you can't stop!
74) Have you ever broken someone's heart? I don't think so.
75) Rugrats or Doug? Rugrats. Ah, retro cartoons....
76) Full House or The Brady Bunch? Neither.
77) Did you like your high school guidance counselor? Can't remember and careers advisors are always rubbish. It's the law. The college one tried to persuade me to go into occupational therapy. I can't think of anything more grim.
78) Has anyone ever called you fat? Yes and in three weeks I am going back to Weight Watches and onto the Couch to 5k program.
79) Do you have a birth mark? No.
80) Do you own a car?Yes, it's my second car and it's lovely. It is called the Frog.
81) Can you cook? I can make a decent pasta bake and a good chocolate cake but I'm working on stellar mashed potato. If I was on death row, I'd have homemade mash with cheese as my last meal.
82) 3 things that annoy you: My brother's refusal to accept he is wrong, he is lazy etc. My own lack of self-discipline. Celebrities like Kerry Katona and Katie Price, who have no talent except somehow managing to sell newspapers.
83) Do you text message often? Not as much as my peers and I always feel out of touch for not being a texting fiend.
84) Money or love? I should say love but I'm not certain.
85) Do you have any scars? I have one across my stomach where I had a hernia repaired as a toddler. I also have a scar on my knee from taking the rubbish out and someone has put a broken glass in there. I also have a scar on my left forearm which everyone thinks is a burn from work/from the oven at home but is actually self-harm
86) What do you want more than anything right now? To be in medical school, accepted by my peers and away from real life.
87) Do you enjoy scary movies? No, but I'll watch them.
88) Relationships or one night stands? I can see the fun in both.
89) Big Red or Juicy Fruit? Pass.
90) Do you enjoy greasy food? You cannot beat a Chinese, like I had last night. You just can't. Or good British chips and gravy.
91) Have you seen all the Rocky movies? No but I can sing the theme tune.
92) Do you own a box of crayons? No. My creativity stretches to the piano and that's it.
94) Who was the last person that said they loved you? My mother, post-fight.
95) Who was the last person that made you mad? My mother, mid-fight.
96) Who was the last person that made you cry? My mother, mid-fight.
97) Who was the last person that made you laugh? One of the Blackadder guys: "Treat your plane as you treat your woman. Get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back." Priceless.
98) Who was the last person that you fell for? There are plenty of cute doctors and nurses at work and I quite like one of the porters but I haven't been heart-sinkingly attached to someone since my significant other.
99) Who was the last person that instant messaged you? Can't remember.
100) Who was the last person that called you? My fiancee.
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Stress
I feel very stressed at the moment. Very, very stressed, actually...much more than I think I realised before I sat down to write this.
I am actively procrastinating from studying because there is so much to learn and so very little time in which to learn it. I have...well, I was trying to calculate the amount of work to get through but I can't. It's just too much, and I've entered that "I don't really care!" phase which is deadly, given that this time is the very last shot and if August results are crap, I'm off to nursing. And I hate nursing. I could spend tonight planning how to spend my remaining weeks but it will be a pointless exercise. I will endeavour to study until around about 1am, but given that it's already past 11pm, I don't think it'll be very productive.
Giving myself the weekend off turned out to be the worst thing I did. I mean, I know I couldn't realistically work on my birthday but still, I had Monday off which extended into Tuesday and before I knew it, it was Wednesday and I was still in my PJs at 6pm and therefore not attending college...Tomorrow will be a fresh start. At least, I'm saying it will be, but I don't know if I believe myself. Plus, tomorrow I have to phone work (another source of stress) and then I have to go and see Mrs Lewis (another source of stress) and then I have college (another source of stress)...
More stress...this situation at work. I feel like I'll end up rolling over and playing dead. I phoned HR today and it turns out that nothing has been done and she has come back to work without so much as a bop on the nose. I had to have informal counselling for what I said; she makes to attack me and is let back to work with sympathy all round because of her personal circumstances. Grr. J is still off sick, the rep has disappeared off the face of the planet and I know that WH just wants to sweep this under the carpet. I am worried though...more worried than I want to be but I can't help it. I don't feel like anybody is on my side.
Then there's this whole business about the house and how I feel about moving out and my poor parents...I feel so guilty about it and also very...like a child who literally doesn't want to leave their mother. The Mothership has been whinging about the time the Boyf spends looking for homewares, calling it it effeminate, despite the fact that I am just not interested.
I started this entry and now Yahoo! Messenger wants me to close it...
I am actively procrastinating from studying because there is so much to learn and so very little time in which to learn it. I have...well, I was trying to calculate the amount of work to get through but I can't. It's just too much, and I've entered that "I don't really care!" phase which is deadly, given that this time is the very last shot and if August results are crap, I'm off to nursing. And I hate nursing. I could spend tonight planning how to spend my remaining weeks but it will be a pointless exercise. I will endeavour to study until around about 1am, but given that it's already past 11pm, I don't think it'll be very productive.
Giving myself the weekend off turned out to be the worst thing I did. I mean, I know I couldn't realistically work on my birthday but still, I had Monday off which extended into Tuesday and before I knew it, it was Wednesday and I was still in my PJs at 6pm and therefore not attending college...Tomorrow will be a fresh start. At least, I'm saying it will be, but I don't know if I believe myself. Plus, tomorrow I have to phone work (another source of stress) and then I have to go and see Mrs Lewis (another source of stress) and then I have college (another source of stress)...
More stress...this situation at work. I feel like I'll end up rolling over and playing dead. I phoned HR today and it turns out that nothing has been done and she has come back to work without so much as a bop on the nose. I had to have informal counselling for what I said; she makes to attack me and is let back to work with sympathy all round because of her personal circumstances. Grr. J is still off sick, the rep has disappeared off the face of the planet and I know that WH just wants to sweep this under the carpet. I am worried though...more worried than I want to be but I can't help it. I don't feel like anybody is on my side.
Then there's this whole business about the house and how I feel about moving out and my poor parents...I feel so guilty about it and also very...like a child who literally doesn't want to leave their mother. The Mothership has been whinging about the time the Boyf spends looking for homewares, calling it it effeminate, despite the fact that I am just not interested.
I started this entry and now Yahoo! Messenger wants me to close it...
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
I should be in work right now. *smirk* I came home because of the snow, but now I'm feeling quite guilty and a bit of a liar. in my defence, the snow at work is an inch thick. It's double that outside my house. Plus, it's still coming down although not as heavily as it was earlier. And predictably, everyone had left their crystal balls at home so nobody could tell me when I was leaving work to tell me that it would be OK coming home. And that's why I feel guilty and a bit of a liar. I probably came home too early as well but I didn't fancy being stuck in work tomorrow morning after my shift ends. Knowing my luck, someone from this end of the woods will struggle to work in the morning and make me look like a wimp and/or skiver. *sigh*
However, I am feeling slightly more positive than I was before I went to work but hey, that's because I'm home. The whole of tomorrow is stretching out before me like a sunny ray of positivity but I know that I'll sleep late and I won't do half the things I want to do and then I'll be back in work. *sigh* Of course, with a bit of determination I could get up early and do all I need to and feel really productive and therefore better about going back to work. But I won't.
Ah, work. Stuffed to the brim with medical patients (we are a surgical ward and yes, it does matter. I don't nurse nutters.) and having to do the late night linen run and the endless stocking. Having said that, I am coming off nights after next week, and I'm going onto weekends which is better for me in that it is a) more money per hour worked and b) I can stick to daylight hours but it means that I will see less of the Boyfriend. It also means that horrible 5:15 wake-up call on Sunday mornings and having to crawl out of the warmest bed imaginable. It's soul destroying, truly.
After reviewing the last entry, I figured that I should tell you that the First Aid course was semi-fun. I am stuck in the naughty group, which comprises of the man's men C, A, and M with lovable but annoyingly camp as Christmas J as well as a few others. Every hour or so they require a nicotine break...*grr* and seemingly nobody can function without coffee/tea for very long. The session dragged from 8am until 2pm and it was quite informative, although it did get a bit annoying when the boys decided to fight over what order to treat people at an RTA given their injuries. *sigh* I did get a tad upset when I was paired with the new girl, a trainee midwife. Apparantly no-one wanted to pair with me but I suppose that's what I get when I don't mix. Afterwards they all went for a drink and I was invited but I didn't go (the pressing thought of housework) plus I don't get the feeling I connect with them. I also know the reason why what I dressed in was important: I'm not very confident that the person I am will impress anyone. A sad but truthful statement, I think.
As for sleep, I didn't get to sleep until at least 3:15am before the course. I got up at 5am. I need to start keeping a sleep diary listing times I get up, the times I get to sleep, whether I sleep well, whether I felt tired going to bed, whether I felt tired during the day etc.
However, I am feeling slightly more positive than I was before I went to work but hey, that's because I'm home. The whole of tomorrow is stretching out before me like a sunny ray of positivity but I know that I'll sleep late and I won't do half the things I want to do and then I'll be back in work. *sigh* Of course, with a bit of determination I could get up early and do all I need to and feel really productive and therefore better about going back to work. But I won't.
Ah, work. Stuffed to the brim with medical patients (we are a surgical ward and yes, it does matter. I don't nurse nutters.) and having to do the late night linen run and the endless stocking. Having said that, I am coming off nights after next week, and I'm going onto weekends which is better for me in that it is a) more money per hour worked and b) I can stick to daylight hours but it means that I will see less of the Boyfriend. It also means that horrible 5:15 wake-up call on Sunday mornings and having to crawl out of the warmest bed imaginable. It's soul destroying, truly.
After reviewing the last entry, I figured that I should tell you that the First Aid course was semi-fun. I am stuck in the naughty group, which comprises of the man's men C, A, and M with lovable but annoyingly camp as Christmas J as well as a few others. Every hour or so they require a nicotine break...*grr* and seemingly nobody can function without coffee/tea for very long. The session dragged from 8am until 2pm and it was quite informative, although it did get a bit annoying when the boys decided to fight over what order to treat people at an RTA given their injuries. *sigh* I did get a tad upset when I was paired with the new girl, a trainee midwife. Apparantly no-one wanted to pair with me but I suppose that's what I get when I don't mix. Afterwards they all went for a drink and I was invited but I didn't go (the pressing thought of housework) plus I don't get the feeling I connect with them. I also know the reason why what I dressed in was important: I'm not very confident that the person I am will impress anyone. A sad but truthful statement, I think.
As for sleep, I didn't get to sleep until at least 3:15am before the course. I got up at 5am. I need to start keeping a sleep diary listing times I get up, the times I get to sleep, whether I sleep well, whether I felt tired going to bed, whether I felt tired during the day etc.
Thursday, 29 January 2009
Depressed and Guilty Beyond All Reason
Right at this moment, I feel very depressed. The immediate problem is that I have work in the morning. Now, if you just pushed the random button and stumbled across my blog you need to know that I'm a nurse and work three 12.5 hour shifts a week. This week I worked Sunday, Monday and Tuesday 7pm til 7:30am. I finished up on Wednesday morning and am not back in work til Monday night, so I don't particularly appreciate going back into work tomorrow for a totally useless First Aid study course. I work in A&E, you know, so the likelihood of me ever needing to practice first aid are remote.
The logistics of going back into work are this: I need to wash my hair. Guh. I also need to get a smart, stylish set of clothes together so that my colleagues so me as smart and stylish. Because that's important to me. I also need to buy two birthday cards for two of my former work colleagues and drop them off, along with two biology textbooks for another former colleague. I also need to try and get a reasonable degree of sleep together but given that I'm still nocturnal, I'm not likely to head off to sleep until the small hours and then have to get up at 5:15 to get into work for 7am. Gah gah gah. Plus I need to pick up a parcel from the post office and something for my mother's birthday, despite being told not to what with the financial situation at the moment. Then I'm look at hours and hours of housework tomorrow afternoon. Then it'll be 9pm and my boyfriend will be here wanting to stay over and my room is totally messy and I'll have done no studying.
I feel even more guilt about not studying these days because I may have to work bank so I need to up the ante on my studying and I'm not so my guilt is increasing exponentially. So that's my headspace. Plus my parents are looking at potentially losing theirs jobs and given that I'm the only one with a stable job,I'm the one that's going to have to work my hours and jeapardise my career. And that's totally selfish but it's how I feel.
The logistics of going back into work are this: I need to wash my hair. Guh. I also need to get a smart, stylish set of clothes together so that my colleagues so me as smart and stylish. Because that's important to me. I also need to buy two birthday cards for two of my former work colleagues and drop them off, along with two biology textbooks for another former colleague. I also need to try and get a reasonable degree of sleep together but given that I'm still nocturnal, I'm not likely to head off to sleep until the small hours and then have to get up at 5:15 to get into work for 7am. Gah gah gah. Plus I need to pick up a parcel from the post office and something for my mother's birthday, despite being told not to what with the financial situation at the moment. Then I'm look at hours and hours of housework tomorrow afternoon. Then it'll be 9pm and my boyfriend will be here wanting to stay over and my room is totally messy and I'll have done no studying.
I feel even more guilt about not studying these days because I may have to work bank so I need to up the ante on my studying and I'm not so my guilt is increasing exponentially. So that's my headspace. Plus my parents are looking at potentially losing theirs jobs and given that I'm the only one with a stable job,I'm the one that's going to have to work my hours and jeapardise my career. And that's totally selfish but it's how I feel.
Saturday, 10 January 2009
Grr! Argh! Etc.
Haven't had the greatest morning ever. Firstly my aunt and uncle dropped off a few engagement cards and a cheque for £80, then sat and talked with me (and then The Mothership) about work, the credit crunch etc. They left about half an hour ago and since then, the Mothership has got quite angry and upset, as usual. You see, my aunt is an annoying person. Firstly, she has never worked, while my uncle works six days a week to support them. Since she doesn't work, her time is spent at the gym, with friends, on the internet etc. Between the Aunt, her friends and the internet, they know everything, and you can't disagree with them. Naturally, the Mothership gets irate when the Aunt preaches about people who have £55,000 of debt then brags about a £63 mortgage payment each month. The Mothership has £40,000 and a £663 mortgage payment a month. Ouch. The Aunt has also managed to scrimp together £1,700 for a holiday to Florida this year. *sigh* As the Mothership put it, we can't get £170 together. It's the reason I'm doing four months of night shifts.
After they departed, the Mothership started complaining about how the Boyf and I can't afford a house. The Aunt's daughter, a little older than I am, has bought a house and is nicely settled in. When I dropped it into the conversation that I want to go to university i.e. there's no point getting a house, the Mothership (and this is boiled down to its essence) told me that my aspirations to be a doctor are here *raising hand above head* and that my effort is here *indicating the floor* and that I shoud realign them and become a nurse.
I have no concluding remarks except that I know she's right (to a point). I could be a doctor so I really want to show her but *casts eyes around messy room* I feel like I can't start studying until the room is sorted. *heavy sigh*
After they departed, the Mothership started complaining about how the Boyf and I can't afford a house. The Aunt's daughter, a little older than I am, has bought a house and is nicely settled in. When I dropped it into the conversation that I want to go to university i.e. there's no point getting a house, the Mothership (and this is boiled down to its essence) told me that my aspirations to be a doctor are here *raising hand above head* and that my effort is here *indicating the floor* and that I shoud realign them and become a nurse.
I have no concluding remarks except that I know she's right (to a point). I could be a doctor so I really want to show her but *casts eyes around messy room* I feel like I can't start studying until the room is sorted. *heavy sigh*
Friday, 9 January 2009
So you've had a bad week, can't even sleep...
Right now I'm waiting for a call from the Boyf to let me know that he's home, fed and watered and awaiting my arrival to fix his internet. I think he's switched broadband providers and they've supplied him with a wireless modem and since his computer is not wireless enabled, he needs our laptop (which is wireless enabled) to check that his new modem works. So I'll be off there in a little while. I can't say I'm thrilled about the prospect because I would rather stay home and play on the Wii or read but hey, now that we're engaged I should show more of a commitment to going over to his house.
This whole week has been really bad for me. Working nights really kicks me in the nuts in terms of doing things I need to do. For example, last night (the worst night of the whole week) I didn't get to sleep until about 3:30am. I'd been in bed since 1am, played on the DS, tried to sleep, played on the DS some more....then the last time I checked the time I was 3:05am and I was not in the slightest bit tired. Naturally, it falls that I don't get up until later on in the day. I'd set my alarm for 8:15am but it was 12:15 before I pulled my scrawny rear end up and out of bed. I skipped breakfast and went straight to work, emptying the dishwasher and then separating the washing. The Mothership later whined about the fact that I'd separated the washing and not hoovered the bathroom first. I felt quite frustrated because hoovering the downstairs (to her standards) is hard work, involving moving the furniture and especially now that we have a vacuum cleaner who thinks it's part leaf blower. I've been up here since we finished, tidying my room and internally whinging about how much I have to do and how I have no idea of how to get everything done.
On one of my late nights this week I searched for piano and singing teachers in the area. There is a female piano teacher in the next valley and I may phone her sooner or later and ask about lessons. I also found two very pretty fairly local opera singers who teach... I'll probably opt for the piano lessons because it's less noisy and much more useful, plus I think I'd be a better pianist than singer. Having said that, I haven't got the time management skills for piano lessons so it'll be a way off before I even think about calling her.
I'm getting slightly stressed about university. I want to go to medical school in 2010 but I need to start looking at universities now and going to open days etc. The trouble is that my mother is convinced that I should nurse. She tells everyone that I'm going to nurse and won't discuss the subject with me. Now it's getting towards crunch time, where I need to sift through the 60 or so medical courses listed on the UCAS website and start looking at their grades, locations, open days etc. and involve my parents and my boyfriend in my decision. I really don't want to start the process because I know what will happen: we will end up fighting, I will win my mother's disapproval and I may end up not going at all or worse, end up on a nursing course.
I can hear her now: why do you want to move away from home i.e. her? Why do you want to live in grotty student accommodation? Do you want to break up with Stuart? Why can't you just nurse in Cardiff? Guh. The simple answer is that I want to live away from home and away from Stuart for one point in my life. I want to be on my own, on a great adventure all by myself before I have to rein myself in and get a mortgage and some kids. That is what I want. And I don't want to nurse because I already do 75% of nursing at the moment and it's rubbish.
My mother, however, won't accept that I already wipe bums, take samples and roll people and that I don't want to do it for the rest of my life. She, howver, is convinced that I should because our cousins nurse and my grandmother wanted to nurse etc. She feels like it's "in the family". I just don't want to do what I already do for the rest of my life, not even in theatres, ITU or palliative care. But we're going to clash heads over the issue and it makes me worried about starting down the path.
*sigh* Time's getting on...I guess I'd better pack up and head off to the Boyf's now.
This whole week has been really bad for me. Working nights really kicks me in the nuts in terms of doing things I need to do. For example, last night (the worst night of the whole week) I didn't get to sleep until about 3:30am. I'd been in bed since 1am, played on the DS, tried to sleep, played on the DS some more....then the last time I checked the time I was 3:05am and I was not in the slightest bit tired. Naturally, it falls that I don't get up until later on in the day. I'd set my alarm for 8:15am but it was 12:15 before I pulled my scrawny rear end up and out of bed. I skipped breakfast and went straight to work, emptying the dishwasher and then separating the washing. The Mothership later whined about the fact that I'd separated the washing and not hoovered the bathroom first. I felt quite frustrated because hoovering the downstairs (to her standards) is hard work, involving moving the furniture and especially now that we have a vacuum cleaner who thinks it's part leaf blower. I've been up here since we finished, tidying my room and internally whinging about how much I have to do and how I have no idea of how to get everything done.
On one of my late nights this week I searched for piano and singing teachers in the area. There is a female piano teacher in the next valley and I may phone her sooner or later and ask about lessons. I also found two very pretty fairly local opera singers who teach... I'll probably opt for the piano lessons because it's less noisy and much more useful, plus I think I'd be a better pianist than singer. Having said that, I haven't got the time management skills for piano lessons so it'll be a way off before I even think about calling her.
I'm getting slightly stressed about university. I want to go to medical school in 2010 but I need to start looking at universities now and going to open days etc. The trouble is that my mother is convinced that I should nurse. She tells everyone that I'm going to nurse and won't discuss the subject with me. Now it's getting towards crunch time, where I need to sift through the 60 or so medical courses listed on the UCAS website and start looking at their grades, locations, open days etc. and involve my parents and my boyfriend in my decision. I really don't want to start the process because I know what will happen: we will end up fighting, I will win my mother's disapproval and I may end up not going at all or worse, end up on a nursing course.
I can hear her now: why do you want to move away from home i.e. her? Why do you want to live in grotty student accommodation? Do you want to break up with Stuart? Why can't you just nurse in Cardiff? Guh. The simple answer is that I want to live away from home and away from Stuart for one point in my life. I want to be on my own, on a great adventure all by myself before I have to rein myself in and get a mortgage and some kids. That is what I want. And I don't want to nurse because I already do 75% of nursing at the moment and it's rubbish.
My mother, however, won't accept that I already wipe bums, take samples and roll people and that I don't want to do it for the rest of my life. She, howver, is convinced that I should because our cousins nurse and my grandmother wanted to nurse etc. She feels like it's "in the family". I just don't want to do what I already do for the rest of my life, not even in theatres, ITU or palliative care. But we're going to clash heads over the issue and it makes me worried about starting down the path.
*sigh* Time's getting on...I guess I'd better pack up and head off to the Boyf's now.
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