Stress

I feel very stressed at the moment. Very, very stressed, actually...much more than I think I realised before I sat down to write this.

I am actively procrastinating from studying because there is so much to learn and so very little time in which to learn it. I have...well, I was trying to calculate the amount of work to get through but I can't. It's just too much, and I've entered that "I don't really care!" phase which is deadly, given that this time is the very last shot and if August results are crap, I'm off to nursing. And I hate nursing. I could spend tonight planning how to spend my remaining weeks but it will be a pointless exercise. I will endeavour to study until around about 1am, but given that it's already past 11pm, I don't think it'll be very productive.

Giving myself the weekend off turned out to be the worst thing I did. I mean, I know I couldn't realistically work on my birthday but still, I had Monday off which extended into Tuesday and before I knew it, it was Wednesday and I was still in my PJs at 6pm and therefore not attending college...Tomorrow will be a fresh start. At least, I'm saying it will be, but I don't know if I believe myself. Plus, tomorrow I have to phone work (another source of stress) and then I have to go and see Mrs Lewis (another source of stress) and then I have college (another source of stress)...

More stress...this situation at work. I feel like I'll end up rolling over and playing dead. I phoned HR today and it turns out that nothing has been done and she has come back to work without so much as a bop on the nose. I had to have informal counselling for what I said; she makes to attack me and is let back to work with sympathy all round because of her personal circumstances. Grr. J is still off sick, the rep has disappeared off the face of the planet and I know that WH just wants to sweep this under the carpet. I am worried though...more worried than I want to be but I can't help it. I don't feel like anybody is on my side.

Then there's this whole business about the house and how I feel about moving out and my poor parents...I feel so guilty about it and also very...like a child who literally doesn't want to leave their mother. The Mothership has been whinging about the time the Boyf spends looking for homewares, calling it it effeminate, despite the fact that I am just not interested.

I started this entry and now Yahoo! Messenger wants me to close it...

I should be in work right now. *smirk* I came home because of the snow, but now I'm feeling quite guilty and a bit of a liar. in my defence, the snow at work is an inch thick. It's double that outside my house. Plus, it's still coming down although not as heavily as it was earlier. And predictably, everyone had left their crystal balls at home so nobody could tell me when I was leaving work to tell me that it would be OK coming home. And that's why I feel guilty and a bit of a liar. I probably came home too early as well but I didn't fancy being stuck in work tomorrow morning after my shift ends. Knowing my luck, someone from this end of the woods will struggle to work in the morning and make me look like a wimp and/or skiver. *sigh*

However, I am feeling slightly more positive than I was before I went to work but hey, that's because I'm home. The whole of tomorrow is stretching out before me like a sunny ray of positivity but I know that I'll sleep late and I won't do half the things I want to do and then I'll be back in work. *sigh* Of course, with a bit of determination I could get up early and do all I need to and feel really productive and therefore better about going back to work. But I won't.

Ah, work. Stuffed to the brim with medical patients (we are a surgical ward and yes, it does matter. I don't nurse nutters.) and having to do the late night linen run and the endless stocking. Having said that, I am coming off nights after next week, and I'm going onto weekends which is better for me in that it is a) more money per hour worked and b) I can stick to daylight hours but it means that I will see less of the Boyfriend. It also means that horrible 5:15 wake-up call on Sunday mornings and having to crawl out of the warmest bed imaginable. It's soul destroying, truly.

After reviewing the last entry, I figured that I should tell you that the First Aid course was semi-fun. I am stuck in the naughty group, which comprises of the man's men C, A, and M with lovable but annoyingly camp as Christmas J as well as a few others. Every hour or so they require a nicotine break...*grr* and seemingly nobody can function without coffee/tea for very long. The session dragged from 8am until 2pm and it was quite informative, although it did get a bit annoying when the boys decided to fight over what order to treat people at an RTA given their injuries. *sigh* I did get a tad upset when I was paired with the new girl, a trainee midwife. Apparantly no-one wanted to pair with me but I suppose that's what I get when I don't mix. Afterwards they all went for a drink and I was invited but I didn't go (the pressing thought of housework) plus I don't get the feeling I connect with them. I also know the reason why what I dressed in was important: I'm not very confident that the person I am will impress anyone. A sad but truthful statement, I think.

As for sleep, I didn't get to sleep until at least 3:15am before the course. I got up at 5am. I need to start keeping a sleep diary listing times I get up, the times I get to sleep, whether I sleep well, whether I felt tired going to bed, whether I felt tired during the day etc.

Depressed and Guilty Beyond All Reason

Right at this moment, I feel very depressed. The immediate problem is that I have work in the morning. Now, if you just pushed the random button and stumbled across my blog you need to know that I'm a nurse and work three 12.5 hour shifts a week. This week I worked Sunday, Monday and Tuesday 7pm til 7:30am. I finished up on Wednesday morning and am not back in work til Monday night, so I don't particularly appreciate going back into work tomorrow for a totally useless First Aid study course. I work in A&E, you know, so the likelihood of me ever needing to practice first aid are remote.

The logistics of going back into work are this: I need to wash my hair. Guh. I also need to get a smart, stylish set of clothes together so that my colleagues so me as smart and stylish. Because that's important to me. I also need to buy two birthday cards for two of my former work colleagues and drop them off, along with two biology textbooks for another former colleague. I also need to try and get a reasonable degree of sleep together but given that I'm still nocturnal, I'm not likely to head off to sleep until the small hours and then have to get up at 5:15 to get into work for 7am. Gah gah gah. Plus I need to pick up a parcel from the post office and something for my mother's birthday, despite being told not to what with the financial situation at the moment. Then I'm look at hours and hours of housework tomorrow afternoon. Then it'll be 9pm and my boyfriend will be here wanting to stay over and my room is totally messy and I'll have done no studying.

I feel even more guilt about not studying these days because I may have to work bank so I need to up the ante on my studying and I'm not so my guilt is increasing exponentially. So that's my headspace. Plus my parents are looking at potentially losing theirs jobs and given that I'm the only one with a stable job,I'm the one that's going to have to work my hours and jeapardise my career. And that's totally selfish but it's how I feel.

Grr! Argh! Etc.

Haven't had the greatest morning ever. Firstly my aunt and uncle dropped off a few engagement cards and a cheque for £80, then sat and talked with me (and then The Mothership) about work, the credit crunch etc. They left about half an hour ago and since then, the Mothership has got quite angry and upset, as usual. You see, my aunt is an annoying person. Firstly, she has never worked, while my uncle works six days a week to support them. Since she doesn't work, her time is spent at the gym, with friends, on the internet etc. Between the Aunt, her friends and the internet, they know everything, and you can't disagree with them. Naturally, the Mothership gets irate when the Aunt preaches about people who have £55,000 of debt then brags about a £63 mortgage payment each month. The Mothership has £40,000 and a £663 mortgage payment a month. Ouch. The Aunt has also managed to scrimp together £1,700 for a holiday to Florida this year. *sigh* As the Mothership put it, we can't get £170 together. It's the reason I'm doing four months of night shifts.

After they departed, the Mothership started complaining about how the Boyf and I can't afford a house. The Aunt's daughter, a little older than I am, has bought a house and is nicely settled in. When I dropped it into the conversation that I want to go to university i.e. there's no point getting a house, the Mothership (and this is boiled down to its essence) told me that my aspirations to be a doctor are here *raising hand above head* and that my effort is here *indicating the floor* and that I shoud realign them and become a nurse.

I have no concluding remarks except that I know she's right (to a point). I could be a doctor so I really want to show her but *casts eyes around messy room* I feel like I can't start studying until the room is sorted. *heavy sigh*

So you've had a bad week, can't even sleep...

Right now I'm waiting for a call from the Boyf to let me know that he's home, fed and watered and awaiting my arrival to fix his internet. I think he's switched broadband providers and they've supplied him with a wireless modem and since his computer is not wireless enabled, he needs our laptop (which is wireless enabled) to check that his new modem works. So I'll be off there in a little while. I can't say I'm thrilled about the prospect because I would rather stay home and play on the Wii or read but hey, now that we're engaged I should show more of a commitment to going over to his house.

This whole week has been really bad for me. Working nights really kicks me in the nuts in terms of doing things I need to do. For example, last night (the worst night of the whole week) I didn't get to sleep until about 3:30am. I'd been in bed since 1am, played on the DS, tried to sleep, played on the DS some more....then the last time I checked the time I was 3:05am and I was not in the slightest bit tired. Naturally, it falls that I don't get up until later on in the day. I'd set my alarm for 8:15am but it was 12:15 before I pulled my scrawny rear end up and out of bed. I skipped breakfast and went straight to work, emptying the dishwasher and then separating the washing. The Mothership later whined about the fact that I'd separated the washing and not hoovered the bathroom first. I felt quite frustrated because hoovering the downstairs (to her standards) is hard work, involving moving the furniture and especially now that we have a vacuum cleaner who thinks it's part leaf blower. I've been up here since we finished, tidying my room and internally whinging about how much I have to do and how I have no idea of how to get everything done.

On one of my late nights this week I searched for piano and singing teachers in the area. There is a female piano teacher in the next valley and I may phone her sooner or later and ask about lessons. I also found two very pretty fairly local opera singers who teach... I'll probably opt for the piano lessons because it's less noisy and much more useful, plus I think I'd be a better pianist than singer. Having said that, I haven't got the time management skills for piano lessons so it'll be a way off before I even think about calling her.

I'm getting slightly stressed about university. I want to go to medical school in 2010 but I need to start looking at universities now and going to open days etc. The trouble is that my mother is convinced that I should nurse. She tells everyone that I'm going to nurse and won't discuss the subject with me. Now it's getting towards crunch time, where I need to sift through the 60 or so medical courses listed on the UCAS website and start looking at their grades, locations, open days etc. and involve my parents and my boyfriend in my decision. I really don't want to start the process because I know what will happen: we will end up fighting, I will win my mother's disapproval and I may end up not going at all or worse, end up on a nursing course.

I can hear her now: why do you want to move away from home i.e. her? Why do you want to live in grotty student accommodation? Do you want to break up with Stuart? Why can't you just nurse in Cardiff? Guh. The simple answer is that I want to live away from home and away from Stuart for one point in my life. I want to be on my own, on a great adventure all by myself before I have to rein myself in and get a mortgage and some kids. That is what I want. And I don't want to nurse because I already do 75% of nursing at the moment and it's rubbish.

My mother, however, won't accept that I already wipe bums, take samples and roll people and that I don't want to do it for the rest of my life. She, howver, is convinced that I should because our cousins nurse and my grandmother wanted to nurse etc. She feels like it's "in the family". I just don't want to do what I already do for the rest of my life, not even in theatres, ITU or palliative care. But we're going to clash heads over the issue and it makes me worried about starting down the path.

*sigh* Time's getting on...I guess I'd better pack up and head off to the Boyf's now.

Sad and worried...

I've just spent the past few hours downloading Kings of Leon's four albums in preparation for next Wednesday. I bought my tickets for them today, much to the Mothership's disapproval at both the price (£105 - well, it is Ebay) and the fact that I'm going on my own. I can't wholly disagree with both. What I've paid is five times the face value and I am a little nervous about going on my own...make that a lot nervous. I'm hoping that they might have those seats at the back and I might get to sneak up there. Or I may just sell the ticket instead to my mother's approval, my (probable) loss of money and my boyfriend's disappointment. Ho hum indeed.

Today I was lazy. Really lazy. Got up at 11am, mooched around on the internet since then with very little to eat (a yoghurt, a few biscuits, two burgers and two Welsh cakes are all I've eaten today.) It will be interesting to see what the Daily Plate makes of my consumption.

I should have done so much more...I haven't e.g. picked the bed up off my floor or washed my new work uniform. I haven't paid my parking ticket either which I am getting worried about now. I haven't studied, tidied up etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. I am going to bed now, because I'm depressed and worried.

Introspective Shite

Bloody internet just ate my entry.

Anyway. I was saying that I am angry and that I don't have one specific reason why I'm angry. I have a few things that are generally irritating me right now but not one bone fide "that's what I'm really cheesed off about!" reason.

Firstly, I have work in the morning. In itself, work isn't that bad. It's a long day and a lot of it depends on my colleages but on the whole it should *hopefully* be a good day. However, work in the morning means a sleepless night, a 5am wake-up call, a probable length rendezvous with the de-icer at 6am, a search for car parking spaces because I have no change (unless I can use my card on site...) and...y'know it's work. I'd really rather stay home and sleep in and chill out...which leads me onto my second "Grr" inducing factor: I am lazy.

I am so lazy it's unreal. Today I meant to break my sleep cycle (I came off nights a few weeks ago and have not been sleeping right since...I can't figure out if I still have a sleep debt or if I am having *too* much sleep) by getting up at 7am. I had a few things to accomplish: tidy my room for a bit, buy some food for work, iron my trousers for work and have my hair done. Of all those, I managed one. Then, when I came home from the salon I realised that it's my friend's kid's birthday and I should have gone over there with a gift (a gift that I don't even think is suitable...) and then out with my boyfriend for his auntie's birthday meal...but no. I stayed at home and watched the end of the Britney documentary, an episode of Merlin and then half an episode of Frasier, all the while stuffing my face with custard creams. Hardly a productive afternoon. My studying (and therefore doctor-job-career thing) is slowly moving down the pan unless I get my act together before the end of the year with my room.

Plus I have the worries about Xmas shopping. Ahem: what am I buying for my mother, my father, my brother, my boyfriend and my friend Kayleigh? Then what is my mother buying for my boyfriend, my father, my brother? What is my father buying for my mother? What is my brother buying for my mother, my father and my boyfriend? What is my boyfriend buying for my mother, my father and my brother? If I buy this, who will pay for it? Has it arrived yet? Where am I storing it? Argh!

I should be shit hot. I should be rising at 5am five mornings a week and embarking on a 3 mile run, coming home to a shower and a healthy breakfast and then bam! out to work or to study. I should be ultra-organised with a diary that I keep at my side all the time, knowing exactly where everything is and when and reading every night, blogging every night....I should be extra helpful to my parents and extra nice to my brother and extra-everything to my boyfriend. I should be thin and well-dressed and made-up all the time, remembering everyone's birthdays and coming to every social gathering and commiting every detail to memory, all the while being the best worker at worker and the best student at college and having everyone say that "Yes, she'll be a fabulous doctor." But I'm not.

I hate it when other people are right about me. My father: "I'd jump over your bloody head". My mother: "You have to seize life by the horns." I should be so good. I have so much potential. This blog entry wasn't really about anyone else, this is about me and how I'm letting myself down every day of my life.

That last but one paragraph was...it kind of sums up my life. I think I may write that up. That's what I'm sort of aiming for...I need to think.