Good morning!
A lot has happened in the last few weeks and I have not updated very consistently. Firstly, I failed my A Levels. OK, so I didn't fail but I got a D and an E and the dream of medicine is over. I am halfway to "at peace" with the decision. I am still uneasy with having to tell all everyone that my dream career is over. It's embarrassing and everyone is going to think that I am lazy and stupid. I happily embrace the former quality but not the latter. Now I have to find a new direction. It has sprung up at a nearby university that I once described as "for thickos". Oh, how ironic fate is! It's a foundation course that will lead to a BSc in Health Sciences. I have to e-mail the course advisor and ask his advice. If he says yes, hooray! If he says no, it's back to the drawing board with my two A Levels and find something else. If the science career fails to come off, I will chance becoming an English teacher.
Regret and hindsight are powerful but useless right about now. It's totally pointless to wish for a time machine to travel back to 2002, shake my younger self and whisper "become a doctor and work fricking hard" into my own ear. Hmm, that's a very strange image. But daydreams aside, while I know that this situation is mainly my own fault, I lay a percentage of the blame at the foot of my school. They, the teachers, failed to recognise and support my potential and my train wreck life would be so much better had one of them stopped and said "hey, you know you're good enough for science A Levels, don't you?" I know I was anti-establishment and a bit difficult but I couldn't have been any worse than many of my classmates. *sigh*
In better news though, the mortgage is hopefully coming though. The house valuation is happening later today, on what would have been my grandfather's 83rd birthday. I should really be making a move. The guy will phone about half an hour before he's due to arrive at the house. Knowing my luck, as soon as I step in the shower, he'll phone and I'll go whizzing around the house like a ping pong ball trying to get myself sorted. Ho hum.
EDIT: He's been and gone and I stupidly gave him a lower amount than the one we want the house valued for. I am so in the shit.
Over at thedailymind.com he's written a post about technology making us depressed. I agree with the observations he's made, but then I'm a simplify-my-life kinda girl so I would. I wrote about when I gave up Facebook. Thinking about it, I've never been one to use social networking that much. I used and quit Facebook, MySpace, Bebo and a few blogs up until now. The most successful blog I held was for over two years at LiveJournal, where I had one of the first one million accounts. Back then, it was by invite only. *sigh* Those were the days...
The more I think about it, the more I like the isolation from the social networks. Everyone at work is raving about a farm game on Facebook and although I sometimes feel left out, ultimately I feel better because I'm not one of the herd.
Anywho, the bin smells a bit off and the sink is full of dishes, so I need to get my chores done and then head out to run a few errands.
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Saturday, 15 August 2009
Exercise #1: Fear of Failure
I've been asked to talk about my fear of failure for a new self-discipline book I'm reading. Today I need to recall three past experiences that I perceive as failures, mistakes or just dumb behaviour:
#1 - my main recent failure is in these exams. I know that when the exam results come out on Thursday I won't have done very well. I haven't done very well because I work full-time, and it is a valid reason. However I also didn't try as hard as I should. I didn't have the motivation and the self-discipline to work because there were always more important or fun things to do (Escapism and Delayism). End of story. I also end up fighting against my perfectionism when I do get down to study. I don't understand why but I feel like it needs to be perfect. (Cynicism?)
#2 - One of my early failures/embarrassments/humiliations was the whole experience of boys during my early teenage years. Twice I was asked out by boys (to be the girlfriend in name only, as you are at that age) only for it to be a joke. A year later, I asked out a guy who I really liked, Finlay, only for him to turn me down. I think it fuelled an already existing fear of not being liked or being good enough. I know that, although outwardly confident, I have low self-esteem. I think that this low self-esteem comes, unintentionally, from my mother. I have never made my own decisions or done things to please myself because she has always been the stamp of approval on me and my life.
#3 - A further failure is actually regret that I don't get involved in things, and I feel that I missed out on a lot in school because of this. I didn't get involved in the school play, I didn't play in the school orchestra etc. etc. etc. because I was scared of people laughing at me. I hid it as anti-establishmentism but it was fear of being judged as not good enough. And there were plenty of people better at things than me. So I don't think I bothered because I wouldn't be the best. (Negativism & Defeatism)
Although I didn't expect it, it turns out everything listed in the "Self-Discipline Poisons" section applies to me. Additionally, I realise that I need to work on my self-esteem a lot more. This has been very enlightening...
#1 - my main recent failure is in these exams. I know that when the exam results come out on Thursday I won't have done very well. I haven't done very well because I work full-time, and it is a valid reason. However I also didn't try as hard as I should. I didn't have the motivation and the self-discipline to work because there were always more important or fun things to do (Escapism and Delayism). End of story. I also end up fighting against my perfectionism when I do get down to study. I don't understand why but I feel like it needs to be perfect. (Cynicism?)
#2 - One of my early failures/embarrassments/humiliations was the whole experience of boys during my early teenage years. Twice I was asked out by boys (to be the girlfriend in name only, as you are at that age) only for it to be a joke. A year later, I asked out a guy who I really liked, Finlay, only for him to turn me down. I think it fuelled an already existing fear of not being liked or being good enough. I know that, although outwardly confident, I have low self-esteem. I think that this low self-esteem comes, unintentionally, from my mother. I have never made my own decisions or done things to please myself because she has always been the stamp of approval on me and my life.
#3 - A further failure is actually regret that I don't get involved in things, and I feel that I missed out on a lot in school because of this. I didn't get involved in the school play, I didn't play in the school orchestra etc. etc. etc. because I was scared of people laughing at me. I hid it as anti-establishmentism but it was fear of being judged as not good enough. And there were plenty of people better at things than me. So I don't think I bothered because I wouldn't be the best. (Negativism & Defeatism)
Although I didn't expect it, it turns out everything listed in the "Self-Discipline Poisons" section applies to me. Additionally, I realise that I need to work on my self-esteem a lot more. This has been very enlightening...
Friday, 14 August 2009
Import from Spark People 5/8/2009
Well, I have had a far better day than I thought I was going to have. Just goes to show what a bit of navel gazing can do for you.
Today's objectives have all been attained. I didn't put off buying the anniversary gifts and card for my parents and I wrapped them early, not leaving them until before bed. I studied for an hour and I just looked up the dates of the January exams. I'll just jot down how many weeks and days until the beginning of January and then I'll go to bed. All in all, I am exceptionally proud of myself and am currently indulging myself on Spotify with a few of my favourite songs.
It's been a good day.
Today's objectives have all been attained. I didn't put off buying the anniversary gifts and card for my parents and I wrapped them early, not leaving them until before bed. I studied for an hour and I just looked up the dates of the January exams. I'll just jot down how many weeks and days until the beginning of January and then I'll go to bed. All in all, I am exceptionally proud of myself and am currently indulging myself on Spotify with a few of my favourite songs.
It's been a good day.
Import from Spark People 4/8/2009
I’ve felt better since I had my monumental vent the other night but I still feel antsy. It's probably the way I should be feeling, given that I am waiting on so much to happen: college, medical school, the house. How can I fix it though? I know if I were more proactive that I would feel better, so I'm going to try and write down what I can do to ease my anxiety.
College: I still believe I can achieve the end goal of 2 A*s next summer; I believe that I have the potential to pull that out of the bag. What stands between me and glory is the shedload of work I have inflicted on myself by not working hard enough last year. And believe me, I'm scared of that work. I'm scared that I won't be able to learn it all in order to get my grades...read into that the deep but entirely reasonable fear of failure. It chases me but doesn't hit me around the head hard enough to make me work. Plus I work stupidly. My stupid perfectionism demands it of me. I end up knowing the first few pages of a book amazingly well...and the rest gets rushed through in the last few days before the exam. I have to get over that. Perfectionists set themselves up for failure, after all.
Plan: I have to start: tomorrow. Work out how long I have between now and the January exams but also just pick up the damn books and start writing, start getting through those bloody past papers, start learning what I should already know.
Medical school: I have two months before the medical school applications are in. Again, my procrastination stems from fear: the fear of making such an enormous decision, the fear of having to deal with my mother's inevitable disapproval, the fear that the money will run out and that I won't be able to go and that I'll look stupid to everyone...
Plan: I need to get all the prospectuses ordered, get to all the open days I can, sit the UKCAT, get my personal statement written, get my references sorted and speak nicely to Nick. Also I need to get college work sorted because if I fail again, I won't be going in the first place.
The house: urgh...my main worry is all my finances at the moment, so I need to get the account sorted. I also need to organise the current mortgage paperwork and send off the life insurance forms. I don't think there's much else I can do after that, until we start actually moving and then I'll need to research the bills etc.
****************************************
In the spirit of this post, I thought I would share something. I figured something out about myself the other day: I am passive and now that I know that about myself, I hate it. You see, I will wait until the very last moment before I get things done. I always left my homework until the night before school, I never do my filing until the box is overflowing, I never stock up at work until I really, really have to. I also recently realised that I am not consistent. I have never worked at something consistently all my life. My studies are a great example. Combine it with the perfectionism and you have trouble: I have to do everything perfectly in one sitting to consider myself a success. Recipe for failure or what? Maybe it's because my memory is terrible: I can't remember what I did the last time I studied so how can I be sure that I didn’t miss something. In that sense, I don't trust myself. I need to pay more attention to everything, but how do you do that?
Whose fault is the above? It's mine, sure. But I'd like to pose a question: at what point is my brain not my brain? You know what I mean: you make your to-do list in the morning. Good intentions make you think that you'll finish the list BUT when it comes to doing it, your brain talks you out of it. "You'll do it later, come and watch TV," it says. Surely, if I am as well-intentioned as I think I am my brain won't put up a fight with me? Then why does it? Why am I fighting with myself? I wish I had the frickin' answer, that's a cert.
So with all my ramblings etc. out of the way for the night and a good list of personal objectives scribbled down in the new BFF, El Moleskine, I am off to bed. Tomorrow will not yield fun because I will be working (sort of) but tomorrow afternoon I might get an inch closer to who I want to be.
College: I still believe I can achieve the end goal of 2 A*s next summer; I believe that I have the potential to pull that out of the bag. What stands between me and glory is the shedload of work I have inflicted on myself by not working hard enough last year. And believe me, I'm scared of that work. I'm scared that I won't be able to learn it all in order to get my grades...read into that the deep but entirely reasonable fear of failure. It chases me but doesn't hit me around the head hard enough to make me work. Plus I work stupidly. My stupid perfectionism demands it of me. I end up knowing the first few pages of a book amazingly well...and the rest gets rushed through in the last few days before the exam. I have to get over that. Perfectionists set themselves up for failure, after all.
Plan: I have to start: tomorrow. Work out how long I have between now and the January exams but also just pick up the damn books and start writing, start getting through those bloody past papers, start learning what I should already know.
Medical school: I have two months before the medical school applications are in. Again, my procrastination stems from fear: the fear of making such an enormous decision, the fear of having to deal with my mother's inevitable disapproval, the fear that the money will run out and that I won't be able to go and that I'll look stupid to everyone...
Plan: I need to get all the prospectuses ordered, get to all the open days I can, sit the UKCAT, get my personal statement written, get my references sorted and speak nicely to Nick. Also I need to get college work sorted because if I fail again, I won't be going in the first place.
The house: urgh...my main worry is all my finances at the moment, so I need to get the account sorted. I also need to organise the current mortgage paperwork and send off the life insurance forms. I don't think there's much else I can do after that, until we start actually moving and then I'll need to research the bills etc.
****************************************
In the spirit of this post, I thought I would share something. I figured something out about myself the other day: I am passive and now that I know that about myself, I hate it. You see, I will wait until the very last moment before I get things done. I always left my homework until the night before school, I never do my filing until the box is overflowing, I never stock up at work until I really, really have to. I also recently realised that I am not consistent. I have never worked at something consistently all my life. My studies are a great example. Combine it with the perfectionism and you have trouble: I have to do everything perfectly in one sitting to consider myself a success. Recipe for failure or what? Maybe it's because my memory is terrible: I can't remember what I did the last time I studied so how can I be sure that I didn’t miss something. In that sense, I don't trust myself. I need to pay more attention to everything, but how do you do that?
Whose fault is the above? It's mine, sure. But I'd like to pose a question: at what point is my brain not my brain? You know what I mean: you make your to-do list in the morning. Good intentions make you think that you'll finish the list BUT when it comes to doing it, your brain talks you out of it. "You'll do it later, come and watch TV," it says. Surely, if I am as well-intentioned as I think I am my brain won't put up a fight with me? Then why does it? Why am I fighting with myself? I wish I had the frickin' answer, that's a cert.
So with all my ramblings etc. out of the way for the night and a good list of personal objectives scribbled down in the new BFF, El Moleskine, I am off to bed. Tomorrow will not yield fun because I will be working (sort of) but tomorrow afternoon I might get an inch closer to who I want to be.
Import from Spark People 2/8/2009
I can't even find the word that describes how I feel at this moment. I suppose if I were to narrow it down it would be between grief, guilt, frustration, fear and unhappiness. I'm at a crossroads in my life, everything is vying for my attention and I don't know if I can cope.
I hate my job (or more the people at my job) and I don't want to go there tomorrow night. The fact that it is a night shift doesn't help and that is ironic given that I had to fight long and hard for equal consideration on nights, and I upset a lot of people in the process. The job situation isn't a new thing but it doesn't help. I suppose I should be grateful that because it's nursing, I only have to be there for three days a week. However, when I am at home, I can't stop thinking about the place. I am paranoid, to a certain extent, but if I were to share the story with you, I think you'd understand.
I just wish I could get my act into gear on my days off. I am tired of being lazy and unmotivated. I should have got up on Friday morning and attempted the first session of the Couch to 5K program, but I didn't. The long and the short of it is that I'd spent the early hours of the morning on the iPhone watching YouTube videos and that I didn't feel like getting up at 5am to go running. However, when I woke up (at 11am) I felt so angry at myself. I wanted to do the C25K, I wanted to make a start and to feel that for once I was doing something worthy. Plus I didn't feel like the day was mine. I don't know, I like to feel unrestricted on my days off. On Fridays, the Mothership finishes work early and we club together to finish the housework. Later, the boyfriend comes over. These set events make me feel like my life is not my own. I don't feel like I can do my own thing around people, especially my boyfriend. God bless him, he is a clingy fella, loving cuddles and always wanting me massage his head etc. I feel like I couldn't go upstairs and perhaps start filing my paperwork or just doing something for me, not around him. He'd be there, and I hate doing personal things in front of him. It doesn't matter than we're engaged and about to move into our own place, I like to have a bit of privacy. We usually spend the night sat on the couch, watching whatever my mother dictates we should watch. It's a sorry state of affairs and it is about to change in some ways but I'm not overly enthusiastic about the impending change.
I am about 6 weeks off moving into my own house and I have all the emotional upheaval of that. Stuart is so keen, I am less than keen and my mother is half on the fence in that she wants to see me settled but as she puts it, "will miss every hair on my head". That makes me so upset, I'm almost filling up now as I write this. I know that it is a natural progression for me and Stuart and that 23 is a good time to leave home. However, this is my home. Bottom line, I don't want to be separated from my mother. I don't know whether we're closer than the average mother and daughter or whether my job makes me more appreciative of my parents. I just know that I could stay here forever, paying my rent, doing the chores...I don't know why I like it here so much. Perhaps it'll just be that with the pressures of modern living I won't see her as much. I think that is my fear. I hope that I'll pick up the phone often, pop over with ingredients for a meal and still spend a good portion of my time there. However, with the boyfriend as well, I don't think it'll happen as much as I'd like. He will be my priority and I don't know if I can deal with that.
The other big thing stressing me out is college/medical school applications. The deadline for med school apps is fast approaching. My results, out next week, will show me up as a flagrant failure and in spite of that, I still need to study hard for 2 As, get into a decent school and raise enough money to support myself through five years of education, all while working full-time and running a house. It's not like medicine isn't what I want to do. Suggest a career other than medicine to me and I can't see it. I can't see myself doing anything else. I want it, I really do but I just don't know if my track history will get me there. And that is my constant worry: that I won't get it, that I'll have to delay for yet another year and that I'll end up stuck in that sorry excuse for a job forever and a day.
On top of all this, I am sick and tired of my own body. I want to be a skinny, athletic type with a great resting heart rate and amazing lung capacity and I really want to be working on it now. I know that in the midst of all of the above, weight loss and exercise should be the last things on my mind but I still think that I should be able to do it. I want to feel better about myself, probably because my lack of personal successes could at least be reflected in outward success if and when I fail.
Right about here I would normally talk about moving forward but I just can't. I can't see myself getting out of bed in the morning and tackling anything: ordering prospectuses, organising my finances or looking at my college books. I am in a rut, hemmed in by my track record and by other people. If I succeed tomorrow, I will fail the next day. I always have, and I probably always will.
I hate my job (or more the people at my job) and I don't want to go there tomorrow night. The fact that it is a night shift doesn't help and that is ironic given that I had to fight long and hard for equal consideration on nights, and I upset a lot of people in the process. The job situation isn't a new thing but it doesn't help. I suppose I should be grateful that because it's nursing, I only have to be there for three days a week. However, when I am at home, I can't stop thinking about the place. I am paranoid, to a certain extent, but if I were to share the story with you, I think you'd understand.
I just wish I could get my act into gear on my days off. I am tired of being lazy and unmotivated. I should have got up on Friday morning and attempted the first session of the Couch to 5K program, but I didn't. The long and the short of it is that I'd spent the early hours of the morning on the iPhone watching YouTube videos and that I didn't feel like getting up at 5am to go running. However, when I woke up (at 11am) I felt so angry at myself. I wanted to do the C25K, I wanted to make a start and to feel that for once I was doing something worthy. Plus I didn't feel like the day was mine. I don't know, I like to feel unrestricted on my days off. On Fridays, the Mothership finishes work early and we club together to finish the housework. Later, the boyfriend comes over. These set events make me feel like my life is not my own. I don't feel like I can do my own thing around people, especially my boyfriend. God bless him, he is a clingy fella, loving cuddles and always wanting me massage his head etc. I feel like I couldn't go upstairs and perhaps start filing my paperwork or just doing something for me, not around him. He'd be there, and I hate doing personal things in front of him. It doesn't matter than we're engaged and about to move into our own place, I like to have a bit of privacy. We usually spend the night sat on the couch, watching whatever my mother dictates we should watch. It's a sorry state of affairs and it is about to change in some ways but I'm not overly enthusiastic about the impending change.
I am about 6 weeks off moving into my own house and I have all the emotional upheaval of that. Stuart is so keen, I am less than keen and my mother is half on the fence in that she wants to see me settled but as she puts it, "will miss every hair on my head". That makes me so upset, I'm almost filling up now as I write this. I know that it is a natural progression for me and Stuart and that 23 is a good time to leave home. However, this is my home. Bottom line, I don't want to be separated from my mother. I don't know whether we're closer than the average mother and daughter or whether my job makes me more appreciative of my parents. I just know that I could stay here forever, paying my rent, doing the chores...I don't know why I like it here so much. Perhaps it'll just be that with the pressures of modern living I won't see her as much. I think that is my fear. I hope that I'll pick up the phone often, pop over with ingredients for a meal and still spend a good portion of my time there. However, with the boyfriend as well, I don't think it'll happen as much as I'd like. He will be my priority and I don't know if I can deal with that.
The other big thing stressing me out is college/medical school applications. The deadline for med school apps is fast approaching. My results, out next week, will show me up as a flagrant failure and in spite of that, I still need to study hard for 2 As, get into a decent school and raise enough money to support myself through five years of education, all while working full-time and running a house. It's not like medicine isn't what I want to do. Suggest a career other than medicine to me and I can't see it. I can't see myself doing anything else. I want it, I really do but I just don't know if my track history will get me there. And that is my constant worry: that I won't get it, that I'll have to delay for yet another year and that I'll end up stuck in that sorry excuse for a job forever and a day.
On top of all this, I am sick and tired of my own body. I want to be a skinny, athletic type with a great resting heart rate and amazing lung capacity and I really want to be working on it now. I know that in the midst of all of the above, weight loss and exercise should be the last things on my mind but I still think that I should be able to do it. I want to feel better about myself, probably because my lack of personal successes could at least be reflected in outward success if and when I fail.
Right about here I would normally talk about moving forward but I just can't. I can't see myself getting out of bed in the morning and tackling anything: ordering prospectuses, organising my finances or looking at my college books. I am in a rut, hemmed in by my track record and by other people. If I succeed tomorrow, I will fail the next day. I always have, and I probably always will.
Saturday, 25 July 2009
Marc
I feel quite sick at the moment. I'm listening to my guilty pleasure playlist, which consists of a handful of minor key, reflective pieces that only serve to make me feel worse, but also help me feel more inclined to write. Although, Daniel Merriweather's "Red" might just incite me to cry.
I'm troubled by the situation with Marc. That's the problem at the top of list. To outline: Marc is a porter at work who is my age (a rare thing in that place) and a genuinely nice guy. We've always got on well and we flirt a lot...I have always been a terrible flirt and never really thought that what I was doing was flirting until a few years ago. People have started to notice that we are friendlier than most colleagues are but then it doesn't do us any favours when he hugs me in the middle of the corridor or when I run my hand over his head. It's all meant in good fun but I haven't thought anything about it. However it's kind of progressed. The other night he told me that he liked me, in a roundabout way.
There is a bit more to it than that: I basically pushed him to tell me that he liked me. I had an idea that he liked me and I pushed and pushed until he told me. I felt bad right away: I made an essentially innocent guy tell me that he had feelings for me, something he probably never would have admitted to me and all because it made me feel a bit better about myself. Well, not even that, I don't feel like "ooh, Marc likes me". I just imagine myself as Keira Knightley in Love Actually with him as the Lancelot-esque admirer but it isn't like that because I live in the real world on my side of the fence. I don't know why I put myself in stories but I always have and I always will.
However, I couldn't leave it there. The following night I apologised for the previous night. He was pretty cool about it, telling me that if he didn't want to tell me he wouldn't have and that he didn't want me to say stuff in return. What did I do? I told him that were Stuart not on the scene "you and I could be on the cards".
What a stupid fucking thing to say.
Firstly, seriously bad phrasing, to imply a relationship would happen. Who says he wants one? Perhaps he just wants to nail me, I don't know. I should have said "I wouldn't say no". But no, I am an idiot.
Secondly, I basically outlined that I have no respect for my own relationship. If Stuart found out, he'd be so hurt and that would kill me, because I couldn't bear to hurt him, no matter what stupid thoughts rotate through my head. Taking that idea forward, were Marc to want a relationship with me, how could he trust me after I said something like that? We'd already had a conversation about Stuart's jealousy and how Marc wouldn't want a girlfriend to behave as I am behaving with Marc. It shouldn't really matter, but I feel like I have lost his respect and affection and I didn't want to do that, especially since he likes me. It must make me look less desirable to him. even though I shouldn't care. But I do care. I get jealous when he talks to other girls, I do care.
And finally, it probably came across as a pitiful remark, something I said to make him feel better because of what I elicited from him the other night. It wasn't meant in that way, it was made in the way it was intended. And how does that help him, even if he took it in the best way? It doesn't. I have just made him feel worse, because he can't have me.
At the heart of this though, I have less respect for myself. I don't quite know how I am going to face him next week. Stupid girl. I am not texting him and the text I replied to (from him) this afternoon came back minus a response so I figure he is being a tad weird with me. *sigh* I have issues, I seriously have issues.
I'm troubled by the situation with Marc. That's the problem at the top of list. To outline: Marc is a porter at work who is my age (a rare thing in that place) and a genuinely nice guy. We've always got on well and we flirt a lot...I have always been a terrible flirt and never really thought that what I was doing was flirting until a few years ago. People have started to notice that we are friendlier than most colleagues are but then it doesn't do us any favours when he hugs me in the middle of the corridor or when I run my hand over his head. It's all meant in good fun but I haven't thought anything about it. However it's kind of progressed. The other night he told me that he liked me, in a roundabout way.
There is a bit more to it than that: I basically pushed him to tell me that he liked me. I had an idea that he liked me and I pushed and pushed until he told me. I felt bad right away: I made an essentially innocent guy tell me that he had feelings for me, something he probably never would have admitted to me and all because it made me feel a bit better about myself. Well, not even that, I don't feel like "ooh, Marc likes me". I just imagine myself as Keira Knightley in Love Actually with him as the Lancelot-esque admirer but it isn't like that because I live in the real world on my side of the fence. I don't know why I put myself in stories but I always have and I always will.
However, I couldn't leave it there. The following night I apologised for the previous night. He was pretty cool about it, telling me that if he didn't want to tell me he wouldn't have and that he didn't want me to say stuff in return. What did I do? I told him that were Stuart not on the scene "you and I could be on the cards".
What a stupid fucking thing to say.
Firstly, seriously bad phrasing, to imply a relationship would happen. Who says he wants one? Perhaps he just wants to nail me, I don't know. I should have said "I wouldn't say no". But no, I am an idiot.
Secondly, I basically outlined that I have no respect for my own relationship. If Stuart found out, he'd be so hurt and that would kill me, because I couldn't bear to hurt him, no matter what stupid thoughts rotate through my head. Taking that idea forward, were Marc to want a relationship with me, how could he trust me after I said something like that? We'd already had a conversation about Stuart's jealousy and how Marc wouldn't want a girlfriend to behave as I am behaving with Marc. It shouldn't really matter, but I feel like I have lost his respect and affection and I didn't want to do that, especially since he likes me. It must make me look less desirable to him. even though I shouldn't care. But I do care. I get jealous when he talks to other girls, I do care.
And finally, it probably came across as a pitiful remark, something I said to make him feel better because of what I elicited from him the other night. It wasn't meant in that way, it was made in the way it was intended. And how does that help him, even if he took it in the best way? It doesn't. I have just made him feel worse, because he can't have me.
At the heart of this though, I have less respect for myself. I don't quite know how I am going to face him next week. Stupid girl. I am not texting him and the text I replied to (from him) this afternoon came back minus a response so I figure he is being a tad weird with me. *sigh* I have issues, I seriously have issues.
Marc's Messages 24/7 AM
In tomorrow, c u then, sleep well :D
Oh cool see you then. Oh and why and what did you think id think less of you about?
Cos girls don't say stuff like that, esp cos we don't really know each other that well
Maybe not but i think we get on well enough to not worry about stuff like that. At least thats how i feel anyway. I doubt theres much you could say that would make me think less anyway. Im not the type to judge and besides if anything it made me think more for your honesty and possibly feeling comfortable talking to me like that
Cool, keep it to urself tho and don't get any ideas ;)
Only messin btw!
Haha dont worry i wont. I dont do nothing other than the real thing and on that front its not even a remote possibility. You dont need to ask me to be discreet either im not one to carry others business to other convos
I know i know. Will be back to normal soon, that's why I've been more flirty than normal! Secret mind! Lol!
Well no worries. You just love playing with my mind :p
Of course, I told you that the other day! Not that you don't love having ur mind played with...
Who knows :P your gonna make me go insane one of these day :p
Why?
You just will. My mind is a very fragile thing!
Oh bless! Sure there wasn't anything else you wanted to tell me?
Like what? Your terrible for reading through the lines you know
Yes but am I good at it?
I think so yes
Is this as awkward as I think it might be?
Sorry
Marc?
Possibly who knows :p it can be as awkward as you want it to be
For what lol
Sorry just had to top up!
Phew, though u were being a bit funny with me, were cool right? I have no idea whats going on!!!
Haha yea its all cool dear. Why did you think otherwise? Or question it anyway?
Dunno, I just have a history of pushing things a bit too far and then not being able to be friends with a guy after cos I've pused for them to say things...if you think I'm a tease you won't be the first person to say it :(
Not at all sweetheart. I think very highly of you and i know its all in good fun. Honestly dont worry about any of that stuff theres nothing to worry about. If i sounded a bit off or strange its just down to me being a lonely old man. Nothing you have said or done.
As long as were cool cos I look forward to working with you and it would be awful if we couldn't be mates. Hahaha its like therapy doin this! Lol!
Dont be daft theres no reason why we cant be. I look forward to it too and i enjoy our chats and whatnot. There arent many i speak to properly at the best of times let alone have an intellectual conversation.
There was something i was going to say but because of what it may lead to id rather not say it at all so dont feel like youve said something wrong
You cant say that and then not tell me! Tell me now!! Whatever it is, it'll be cool, honestly.
Unless you tell me you like molesting dead bodies or something seriously uncool like that, lol!!!
Haha nah its not worth it. I know it will probably bug you now but its not really necessary
Tell. Me. Now.
I definitely wont tell you then! :p lol
Please?
Lol honestly ignore me im just in a sombre mood. Think ill get to bed. I will see you tomorrow chicken. Take care!
No no no!!! Please tell me now? Please please please?
Dont worry im just a bit muddled in my thoughts really
I am worried now, are you ok?
Yea dont be silly im fine. Ill see you tomorrow!
Well tell me please? Please?
Well if u wont tell me thats ok but I will have it out of you
Night night x
I guess like you said you can push things too far and whatnot i tend to look too far into things and take wrong signals and stuff which isnt good. Specially in my current situation. As i said im just feeling lonely lately so i keep going in these funny moods. Dont worry about it. Ill see you tomorrow and this time im definitely going to sleep! Night
Well that was pretty much it. I guess i felt or feel like i want something you cant offer but im still like hanging on for some reason. I dunno as i said i take things out of context and whatnot. Hope saying that doesnt change anything either. Im happy with how things are...
Marc, were cool. Dont worry about it. Well have a chat tomorrow cos I need to apolgoise but I think its best said face to face. Take it easy :D
Oh cool see you then. Oh and why and what did you think id think less of you about?
Cos girls don't say stuff like that, esp cos we don't really know each other that well
Maybe not but i think we get on well enough to not worry about stuff like that. At least thats how i feel anyway. I doubt theres much you could say that would make me think less anyway. Im not the type to judge and besides if anything it made me think more for your honesty and possibly feeling comfortable talking to me like that
Cool, keep it to urself tho and don't get any ideas ;)
Only messin btw!
Haha dont worry i wont. I dont do nothing other than the real thing and on that front its not even a remote possibility. You dont need to ask me to be discreet either im not one to carry others business to other convos
I know i know. Will be back to normal soon, that's why I've been more flirty than normal! Secret mind! Lol!
Well no worries. You just love playing with my mind :p
Of course, I told you that the other day! Not that you don't love having ur mind played with...
Who knows :P your gonna make me go insane one of these day :p
Why?
You just will. My mind is a very fragile thing!
Oh bless! Sure there wasn't anything else you wanted to tell me?
Like what? Your terrible for reading through the lines you know
Yes but am I good at it?
I think so yes
Is this as awkward as I think it might be?
Sorry
Marc?
Possibly who knows :p it can be as awkward as you want it to be
For what lol
Sorry just had to top up!
Phew, though u were being a bit funny with me, were cool right? I have no idea whats going on!!!
Haha yea its all cool dear. Why did you think otherwise? Or question it anyway?
Dunno, I just have a history of pushing things a bit too far and then not being able to be friends with a guy after cos I've pused for them to say things...if you think I'm a tease you won't be the first person to say it :(
Not at all sweetheart. I think very highly of you and i know its all in good fun. Honestly dont worry about any of that stuff theres nothing to worry about. If i sounded a bit off or strange its just down to me being a lonely old man. Nothing you have said or done.
As long as were cool cos I look forward to working with you and it would be awful if we couldn't be mates. Hahaha its like therapy doin this! Lol!
Dont be daft theres no reason why we cant be. I look forward to it too and i enjoy our chats and whatnot. There arent many i speak to properly at the best of times let alone have an intellectual conversation.
There was something i was going to say but because of what it may lead to id rather not say it at all so dont feel like youve said something wrong
You cant say that and then not tell me! Tell me now!! Whatever it is, it'll be cool, honestly.
Unless you tell me you like molesting dead bodies or something seriously uncool like that, lol!!!
Haha nah its not worth it. I know it will probably bug you now but its not really necessary
Tell. Me. Now.
I definitely wont tell you then! :p lol
Please?
Lol honestly ignore me im just in a sombre mood. Think ill get to bed. I will see you tomorrow chicken. Take care!
No no no!!! Please tell me now? Please please please?
Dont worry im just a bit muddled in my thoughts really
I am worried now, are you ok?
Yea dont be silly im fine. Ill see you tomorrow!
Well tell me please? Please?
Well if u wont tell me thats ok but I will have it out of you
Night night x
I guess like you said you can push things too far and whatnot i tend to look too far into things and take wrong signals and stuff which isnt good. Specially in my current situation. As i said im just feeling lonely lately so i keep going in these funny moods. Dont worry about it. Ill see you tomorrow and this time im definitely going to sleep! Night
Well that was pretty much it. I guess i felt or feel like i want something you cant offer but im still like hanging on for some reason. I dunno as i said i take things out of context and whatnot. Hope saying that doesnt change anything either. Im happy with how things are...
Marc, were cool. Dont worry about it. Well have a chat tomorrow cos I need to apolgoise but I think its best said face to face. Take it easy :D
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